Whilst clearing out some paperwork I came across my test results from our fertility journey. I was interested in mapping out the dates of the tests/results to where we were on our journey as I made a number of life changes during it.
My wife and I had a 10 year journey of infertility. Firstly my wife had fertility problems. After many years she got her full fertility and cycle for the first time in her life. We thought we were good to go. Then we found out I was infertile. Talk about a kick in the teeth.
My first test result was disastrous. I will never forget being told the shocking results and being asked whether I had ever been exposed to dangerous levels of radiation in the past, they were that bad!
I went on a five-month programme to improve my fertility doing everything I believed could make a difference. Things like acupuncture, herbs, nutrition, not putting my phone in my pocket to wearing baggy pants!
The next test five months later was actually marginally worse than the original. I didn't think that was possible!
At this point I gave up trying as didn't believe I could do anything to improve my results. We were now in the hands of the clinic as far as I was concerned. It was all down to them from now. They were debating whether ICSI was an option for us.
At the same time I hit rock bottom emotionally.
This was a trigger for me to begin examining my life and for the first time I was honest with myself that I wasn't happy. I had all the things I thought would make me happy. The career, the relationship, friends. I realised I'd been living life thinking the next thing would make me happy. I thought having children would make me happy, give me a sense of fulfilment in life and now it looked like this was not going to happen.
In my reflection I realised I felt like a victim in life. However I realised I had choices but I had to make them. I could choose to leave the job I didn't enjoy. I could choose to stop meeting other people's expectations and start living the life I wanted.
I was going through the motions of life, doing the things I thought I should do, or the things that would please others. I wasn't living life to the full. I wasn't following my souls. Part of me was telling myself I wasn't allowed to be happy or have fun and do the things I really wanted to do. I was looking at life through a bunch of childhood thinking that was neither true nor serving me.
What I find interesting, but actually not surprised about, is that we conceived naturally a few months after making these decisions and changes to my life. We weren't even trying because we thought there wasn't any point. Intrigued I had another test to see what was going on and it was dramatically improved without me even trying to improve it.
Don't get me wrong I still firmly believe in the power things such as acupuncture, herbs, nutrition etc. on our physical and emotional wellbeing. However in my personal and clinical experience our mind is incredibly powerful and the fear of things not working can cause a bigger impact to ourselves and our body than the benefits they bring.
In summary it's not what we do it's why we do it.
Whether it is taking daily temperatures, sticking to a nutrition plan, whatever it may be, if we have underlying fear that it is not going to work (or it becomes a chore and we begin to resent it) then this thinking can undermine any benefits the actions bring.
Life can become Project Baby, striving for what we think we need to be happy, however with an undercurrent of fear of not getting there. There is nothing wrong with wanting to have a baby but if we think we need a baby to be happy (as I did) then the fear of it not happening kicks in. Happiness, contentment and fullfilment come from how we show up in life, regardless of what shows up in life. It is not dependant on any specific externally.
It's not what we do, it's why we do it. What are you doing out of fear? Trust your intuition as to what is right for you at this moment in time.