7 (Incredibly Disgusting) Things You Only Know About Vomit As A Parent

The aftermath is nastier than the main event. šŸ¤¢

Kids throw up, yo. Sometimes, they do it in a much more casual way than adults ā€“ the ā€œIā€™ve been running around a bitā€ kind of vomit where a tummyful of food just effortlessly exits them and they carry on with their day.

But often, they also do giant, house-redecorating, exorcist-style pukes. Terrifying projectile regurgitation that becomes your responsibility as soon as it departs their body.

Itā€™s a carrot-flecked learning curve ā€“ and here are the things youā€™ll only know if youā€™ve been there, done that.

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1. Thereā€™s Vomit, And Thereā€™s VOMIT.

Baby sick, just like baby poo, is harmless. Itā€™s just milk, and milk is pretty much just water, so itā€™s fine. Toddler sick, however, just like toddler poo, is a different kettle of fish. Itā€™s the same as grown-up sick and grown-up poo, so whatever theyā€™ve been eating ā€“ a kettle of fish, say ā€“ is a lot chunkier and more noxious when returned to the outside world than the adorable little ralphs they used to produce.

2. Kids Donā€™t Always Get It.

My daughter spent most of last week throwing up everything she ate or drank ā€“ often onto me. Sheā€™s only little (20 months), and didnā€™t quite know what was happening. Sheā€™d suddenly get all whimpery, hurl everywhere, and say: ā€œSpit out! Spit out!ā€ in a sad little voice. Bless her. I have too much respect for her privacy to mention whether, at any point, she looked at some vomit glistening on the back of her hand and tried licking it up, necessitating a Matrix-style leap across the room on my part to intervene.

3. It Gets Everywhere, That Stuff.

Have you ever thumbed ā€˜upchuckā€™ out of the holes in your belt? I have! Itā€™s colossally disgusting. It would be satisfying if the sick were a bit more substantial, and came out retaining the holeā€™s shape, like pressing Play-Doh through a mould. But it isnā€™t, itā€™s sick ā€“ and you have sick on your thumb, and thereā€™s also still sick on your belt, and your trousers, and your life, and your world. Similarly, attempting to polish the yak out of a squirming toddlerā€™s ear after theyā€™ve rolled around in it (like the bit in Pitch Perfect where Lilly Onakuramura does a ā€˜puke angelā€™) is not fun for anybody.

4. Sick Lingers In The Air.

Few things make you feel a worse parent than dropping your toddler off at nursery and having to apologise for her whiffing of honk. ā€œI washed her hair, but she still smells,ā€ you stammer, telling the truth but feeling like a liar, certain the police are about to turn up and throw you in Parent Jail for not having time to give her a second bath.

5. The Aftermath Is Nastier Than The Main Event.

While your child is throwing up, youā€™re not that disgusted, because youā€™re concerned about your little one and making sure everything that needs to come out, comes out ā€“ and that they donā€™t choke, and you can give them a cuddle to reassure them. But once theyā€™ve finished, youā€™re the one who has to deal with the spew thatā€™s left over, the spew youā€™ve just cuddled into your jumper and beard. The panic and fear come to an end, and thereā€™s just a cooling pool of vomit that grows more disgusting with every second that passes.

6. Cleaning Vomit Is... Bad.

About 30 seconds after stuffing barf-covered sheets into the washing machine in the dead of night, it might occur to you that maybe you couldā€™ve done something with the vomit beforehand. What, though? Spraying it off with the shower head would have just led to a drain full of sick. Scraping it off with a butter knife would probably result in more vomiting from you. And going outside whirling the sheets around your head to clear the biggest chunks almost certainly counts as antisocial behaviour. Better to just stuff ā€™em in and get ā€™em done, right? Sure, for now. But later on, you have the unique experience of lifting incredibly clean slivers of partly-digested food out of your washing machine. ā€œOoh,ā€ you think. ā€œThat piece of mince is in surprisingly good condition.ā€

7. Sometimes You Have To Jump In Front Of The Bullet.

When thereā€™s a load in the washing machine, a pile of sicked-on sheets and clothes waiting to go in there next, a pillow with two kilos of guts in it and some unwell pre-purge whimpering coming from your child, Operation Human Shield feels like a good idea. ā€œItā€™s easier to wash my body than the carpet!ā€ you think, hugging your toddler as the contents of their stomach flow down your bare back. Later, as you clean chunder from your own bum, you wonder whether you are even still a person.

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