Today marks exactly six years since the greatest Olympic opening ceremony ever (sorry China) wowed crowds around the world with its perfectly quirky, eccentric and ever-so British execution.
The incredible sets, the magnificent dancers, THE QUEEN JUMPING OUT OF A HELICOPTER!! It was truly, truly glorious.
The only thing is, quite a bit has changed since 2012. Mention the words “Brexit”, “President Donald Trump” or “David Bowie is dead” back then and you’d get at best a funny look, at worst, floods of tears.
So what would the ceremony look like if it happened today? Well, we rewatched the original, felt sad for a little bit, and then updated it for 2018.
The Beginning
2012 - The ceremony opens with an homage to our Green and Pleasant Land – trees, fields and the glorious British population.
2018 - Just under half the audience didn’t make it to the stadium having been murdered on the Tube in fights for the last remaining bottles of Evian left in London. Everything is on fire, the heatwave has caused rivers of molten tarmac to sweep the country destroying everything in sight.
Only Michael Gove survives after moving in with his beloved otters in a cool and watery part of the Forest of Dean.
The Forging Of A Nation
2012 - Sooty-faced workers proudly march into the stadium, the very hands that helped Britain move into the modern age and thrust itself upon the world stage.
2018 - Sooty-faced workers proudly march into the stadium. They are swiftly corralled into a holding pen where they are kept until after Brexit when they will be needed to pick all the fruit.
The Outsiders That Became Us
2012 - In honour of the generations of immigrants that have helped build our economy, culture and society of tolerance, a reenactment of the 1948 arrival of the Windrush ship that carried 500 pioneering migrants from the Caribbean, sweeps into the stadium.
2018 - The section occurs exactly as it did only Amber Rudd watches from the sidelines, carefully documenting all those who will be denied healthcare, pensions and benefits.
The Actual Queen
2012 - James Bond walks into Buckingham Palace and summons the Queen as they both prepare to majestically parachute into the Olympic Stadium.
2018 - With £369m renovations underway in Buckingham Palace, Bond struggles to snake his way past workmen, scaffolding and closed corridors.
In his haste to reach Old Liz before the royal bedtime, Bond, dodger of a million bullets, flummoxer of the world’s best torturers and accomplished pilot of every conceivable aircraft imaginable, finally meets his demise after stepping in an open pot of Dulux Magnolia and falling down some magnificently-carpeted stairs.
The Wonderful NHS
2012 - The ceremony arguably reaches its peak with a stunning tribute to the men and women of the NHS, the veritable foot soldiers on the frontline of keeping us all in tip-top condition. Nurses enthusiastically push beds into the stadium unveiling some of the little miracles they have helped save.
2018 - The nurses that can physically manage push beds into the stadium unveiling the nurses that are so overworked and underpaid they’ve almost given up.
The Things We Make Up To Scare Ourselves
2012 - Voldemort is chased off by Mary Poppins.
2018 - A giant inflatable Donald Trump is flown above Westminster in a nationwide protest at a President that makes Voldemort look like a fairly decent chap. This one isn’t even made up.
The Incredible People Of Our Fair Nation
2012 - Tim Berners Lee, inventor of the World Wide Web, steps onto the stage and drinks in the applause, adoration and respect of the entire world.
2018 - Tim Berners Lee, inventor of the World Wide Web, steps onto the stage and is immediately beaten to death by a mob of Twitter trolls.
The British Youth
2012 - Two teens meet at a wild house party and fall in love - because, y’know, the yoof are our future.
2018 - Two teens, crushed by the pressures of social media and the thought of an ever-increasingly competitive job market, meet in the stadium car park. They are found the next day, still there, in a haunting embrace, comatose and off their faces on spice.
The Reunion
2012 - The Spice Girls cause an absolute sensation by arriving in a Black Cab and remind everyone of our wonderful musical legacy and just how much fun Britain can have.
2018 - The Spice Girls cause an absolute sensation by arriving in an Uber, unaware of the extensive safety and operating concerns caused by the service which has undercut the traditional cabbie as advances in technology slowly displace workers from their jobs.
The Best Of Britain
2012 - George Michael performs in the Olympic Stadium.
2018 - George Michael does not perform in the Olympic Stadium. RIP.
Come back 2012, we need you.