The New York Times asked readers on Thursday to share experiences of petty crime in London:
Have you experienced a petty crime in London? Click to tell us your story.
— The New York Times (@nytimes) December 13, 2018
(Your submission may be selected for publication.) https://t.co/MRvmXdlYC8
“A surge in violent crime,” the newspaper said in its plea, has left the city’s Metropolitan Police “severely stretched.” The Times said it was seeking readers’ help to “understand how the London police are responding to minor property crimes.”
However, wags on Twitter threw some light on the serious request ― and flooded the Times with all sorts of fantastical tales of woe:
Multiple Winter Wonderland atrocities are happening across this realm RIGHT NOW
— Suchandrika (@SuchandrikaC) December 13, 2018
£40 cinema tickets at the Odeon in Leicester Square.
— Richard HP (@richardhp) December 13, 2018
someone clipped me with their trolley in Waitrose the other day and only apologised once
— Josh Barrie (@joshbythesea) December 13, 2018
A man offered to buy me a coffee at Marylebone Station. I hate talking to people when I have headphones on, so I declined.
— hikikomori povich (@SarahSahim) December 13, 2018
I once watched someone run for the tube as the doors were closing. Their bag got trapped. Someone tutted loudly
— Chi Chi Izundu (@blondeafro) December 13, 2018
I once verbally apologised to someone on “The Tube”.
— Owen Williams 🏴 (@OwsWills) December 13, 2018
I was pilloried and duly incarcerated until evensong.
To this day, I remain confused.
Fortunately, I’m deeply Welsh, so it’s just water off a hwyaden’s cefn.
Saw people dining at Pizza Express on The Strand WITHOUT USING A VOUCHER
— Andy Bruce (@BruceReuters) December 13, 2018
My gentleman’s gentleman was accosted by some young hooligans outside my club. “I say, those are some rum plus-fours, old chap,” they said. He was terribly shaken and had to take a half holiday. I had to pour my own pink gin this morning
— Tom Chivers (@TomChivers) December 13, 2018
Some guy keeps making a terrible racket on my roof. I think he's stuffing people into chimneys. "Step in time", he keeps shouting
— Victoria Richards (@nakedvix) December 13, 2018
Was forced to pay £1.99 for a 99p Flake. That is nothing short of daylight robbery.
— Shehab Khan (@ShehabKhan) December 13, 2018
I once saw someone pee on the offside wheel of a havkney carriage who *wasn’t* a Chelsea Pensioner. Disgraceful. Fortunately there was a fainting couch nearby.
— Bethany Black (@BeffernieBlack) December 13, 2018
I saw someone get on the tube before the other people had got off. So we killed him.
— Emma “jingle” Burnell”s” (@EmmaBurnell_) December 13, 2018
bloomin chimney sweep pinched me petticoat, the cheeky sod. #PettyCrime
— chris o'dowd (@BigBoyler) December 13, 2018
Ordered a tea and they put the milk in first
— James Felton (@JimMFelton) December 13, 2018
A man in Lidl took the last croissant and I said “oh you’ve taken the last croissant” and laughed and then he offered it to me and I said “oh no I couldn’t possibly” so I got a Danish pastry but I really wanted the crossiant and I’m still upset that he didn’t force the issue.
— Bella Mackie (@bellamackie) December 13, 2018
My children were abducted by their nanny and discovered cavorting with a troupe of dancing chimney sweeps.
— Chris Smith (@itschrissmith) December 13, 2018
My trusted valet Jenkins witnessed a scuffle between an errant ne’er-do-well and a learned pig over who would eat the final chestnut at the frost fair, and he was most alarmed that the pig uttered several barbed insults in the Latin tongue, but using the vocative. Most unseemly.
— Greg Jenner (@greg_jenner) December 13, 2018
I heard someone use the word “mainstream” as a verb. Criminal.
— David Wilcock (@DavidWilcockPA) December 13, 2018
I fell out with a friend who then unliked all of my instagram pictures, that was next-level petty. I live in London, happy to share more.
— Hannah Al-Othman (@HannahAlOthman) December 13, 2018
I witnessed a woman not smiling at a guide dog on the tube this July. Netflix has commissioned a £300m documentary to track her down and have her convicted.
— Ferdinand Kingsley (@ferdosnandos) December 13, 2018
I went in a café, and the woman behind the counter pronounced scone as "scone". I called the bobbies immediately, I did.
— David Whitley (@mrdavidwhitley) December 13, 2018
Two men were caught speaking Northern on the Tube - transported to Australia for life.
— David Banks (@DBanksy) December 13, 2018
The person I was behind at the tube barrier yesterday waited for the person in front of them to go through and the barriers to close, before using their oyster card. AND NOBODY DID ANYTHING, even though I tutted and rolled my eyes #pettycrime
— Jay Rayner (@jayrayner1) December 13, 2018
I saw a man clutching a fattened goose this Chrismastide, who stumbled and fell, leaving me holding the bird. When I plucked and prepared it, I found the blue carbuncle stone in its crop. Using deductive methods I was able to trace the culprit of the original jewel theft.
— Stig Abell (@StigAbell) December 13, 2018
I diligently watched a beefeater for eight hours while he was on duty, and he didn't eat beef once during that period. I'm starting to suspect the Queen may be fraudulently employing vegetarians.
— David Whitley (@mrdavidwhitley) December 13, 2018
I was once pickpocketed by an old man and his gang of orphan children
— Mollie Goodfellow 🤶🏻 (@hansmollman) December 13, 2018
someone accidentally touched my hand on the Tube. They received 15 years in the workhouse.
— Alan White (@aljwhite) December 13, 2018
yes, a newsagent tried to charge me 30p for a Freddo.
— Hanna 'Noble Warrior Hero' Flint (@HannaFlint) December 13, 2018
Someone wrote an 'inspirational quotes' on a Tube whiteboard once a few years ago that was good and now all Tube whiteboards are full of try-hard, self-regarding ones, can the NYT act to stop it?
— Jack Sommers (@jack_sommers) December 13, 2018
I saw someone go inside a building and fail to remove their hat yesterday. He was shot so it won't happen again.
— Joel Taylor (@JoelTaylorhack) December 13, 2018