21/03/2017 15:02 GMT

Russell Kane Reveals Post-’Drunk History’ Experience That Is (Genuinely) The Grossest Ordeal

There are no words.

Russell Kane has opened up about his upcoming episode of ‘Drunk History’, revealing the beyond horrifying events that occurred shortly after he finished filming it.

Seriously, mean it. What you are about to read is a nightmare story.

Obviously, the comedian was required to get more than a little tiddly for the taping, which sees him tell the story of King Arthur.

Little did he know, he’d also contracted a pretty serious virus, which then kicked in just as he was drunkenly making his way home.

Stuart C. Wilson via Getty Images
Russell Kane 

“I’ll try to tell this story in a way that isn’t too gross,” he said on ‘BUILD’, before sharing one of the grossest stories of all time.

“My daughter had norovirus the day before [I filmed ‘Drunk History’] so at home at that exact moment, my life Lindsay was getting violently ill with norovirus,” Russell explained. “But she didn’t want to text me and scare me.

“So can you imagine the perfect storm of a whole bottle of Smirnoff hitting your system, as norovirus kicks in.

“The drive from Clapham, where it was filmed, to Woodford, where I live, is an hour. It took me five and a half hours to get home, with the amount of stops I had to make.”

“I was so embarrassed, I thought I’d drunk too much, and when I stopped on Clapham High Street, which was full of young trendy people, I threw up so hard, it was like a homemade rocket propelling itself backwards, and once I’d got ill, I couldn’t stop.”

It gets worse, dear readers. So much worse.

Stuart C. Wilson via Getty Images
These people will never recover 

Russell continued: “I have been on the planet this many years and I have never managed to fall short of a loo, in my life.

“We got to Tower Bridge and I thought, ‘That’s it. I need to get out of the car. Now.’

“And I ran off, and if you go down by Tower Bridge, there’s bits with wood chipping at the sides. You go over a security fence and I was in the wood chipping in the foetal position.

“And as... I’m trying to think how to tell this... As I threw up, I threw up so hard, that I also breached the south gate at the same time.

“In my hammered state, and now viral delirium, this is what I did. I scooped up wood chippings and packed them all around me, because skinny jeans are quite stretchy, and created a blast wall around me.

“The driver laid me on the backseat and took me home. There were wood chippings around my house for days afterwards. it was like some sort of really rubbish ‘X Men’ hero had arrived home.”

See what we mean?

Russell’s ‘Drunk History’ King Arthur story airs on Comedy Central on Wednesday (22 March), and will feature former ‘Made In Chelsea’ star Stephanie Pratt.

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