Valentine’s Day is upon us, which means our social media feeds are once again full of people declaring their love for their partners, flaunting their elaborate gifts and showing off the grand gestures they have planned. But how do those in secret relationships celebrate their love? Four people share their stories.
‘The more people who know, the greater the risk’
Sarah, 25, a reporter from London, first met her partner, 33, when they were both working in a financial newsroom. A shared passion for the job and a lot of hours working on the ground together saw the pair become close friends, before romance blossomed two years later.
As part of a small team, with Sarah then getting promoted and becoming senior to her partner, they were left with no choice but to keep things quiet. “I don’t mind keeping things under wraps at work”, she tells HuffPost UK. “It’s more outside work where I find it hard, not being able to show the relationship off.”
With journalism as changeable as it is, they feel it’s only a matter of time until one of them moves jobs. But even though it only needs to be a secret from colleagues, Sarah has also chosen to keep it from friends and family.
“I don’t want people’s opinions,” she says – particularly regarding the eight-year age gap. Plus her mum would worry she’d be putting her job at risk. “I think she’d say: ‘It’s a bit reckless. Is it worth it?’”
No one really wants to hide their relationship, but there’s an excitement to it, too, and Sarah admits she does “enjoy the secret element”. The key to making it all work, she says, is boundaries – continuing as “normal” at work by day and enjoying a couple of evenings a week together as a couple.
Sarah and her partner are planning to spend Valentine’s with a date night at a new restaurant and the theatre – even if there’s always a risk of being seen.
‘I’ve got the best of both worlds’
The circumstances around Alex’s secret relationship are a little different. He’s been married for 10 years, has two children and a family life he’s very happy with. However, the 35-year-old architect from Stevenage is also in a relationship with an older woman which is, in his words, “filling a gap in sexual pleasure.”
While Alex still loves and fancies his wife, he says that, sexually, they are quite incompatible. He describes himself as much more adventurous, and is keen to explore sexual fantasies such as BDSM, threesomes and even foursomes. His first affair began at an office Christmas party, something which, once it ended, he swore would never happen again.
A year later he found himself wanting to repeat the experience and browsing Ashley Madison, a dating website for those looking to have affairs. Alex has met some great women on the site and his experiences made him realise an affair with someone with whom he shared a personal and sexual connection took the pressure off his relationship.
“I’m pretty satisfied,” he says, “and it makes the marriage at home better.” He still encourages his partner to be more open to trying new things, but if she’s not interested, he says he’s not “massively frustrated”. Naturally, Alex will be celebrating Valentine’s Day with his wife, although he suspects his lover might have a surprise for him, new lingerie for their next meeting, perhaps.
‘It’s difficult to even find time to talk sometimes’
Prisha*, 25, and her partner, 30, have been dating for just over a year after meeting through her job as a journalist and his as an actor.
With Prisha being Indian and living and working in the UK, and her partner being Thai and still based in Thailand, they’ve faced a number of obstacles, including their families, but with practicalities proving most problematic. “The main thing would be the language barrier”, she says – however the long distance is also a challenge and the time difference can make it difficult to even speak some days.
But the pair are determined to make it work, something their families have come to accept. The biggest obstacle now is his career in the entertainment industry, which could be badly damaged if it were publicly known he had a partner.
“Him being in a relationship would be a huge thing within that fandom,” says Prisha, who finds it upsetting not being able to share their love, but “it’s something I’ve learned to make peace with”.
She hopes they’ll become a regular couple in time. It all depends on when he’s comfortable with the relationship being made public. For now, Prisha and her partner celebrate their relationship privately in small, thoughtful ways, so this Valentine’s she looks forward to calling him for a catch up – if his schedule allows – and a gift making its way across the world for her.
‘We see each other once a week – if we’re lucky’
Izzy, 23, from Sheffield has only been dating her boyfriend for three months but they’ve worked together in retail together for almost five years. Izzy was in a long-term relationship until a year ago and a few months after the breakup, co-workers started trying to get her and her now boyfriend together.
While there’s no rules explicitly stating that management can’t be dating, it’s always been inferred that, in that situation, one person would have to move to another branch of the company. Despite this, after six months of jokes from colleagues, awkward side-eye and sexual tension, Izzy decided to make a move in secret, and after a thorough discussion of how they’d handle the work situation, they both decided to go for it.
Keeping their work and love lives separate is key. “Sometimes it feels like we’re two different people, the way we interact in and out of work is completely different,” says Izzy, who unlike Sarah, has to be more careful out in public. “We’re very aware of where we can go that’s ‘safe’, where we won’t see colleagues or even customers who could bust us.”
For Izzy, celebrating Valentine’s will be tricky as one or both of them will most likely be on shift. However, for them, it’s just a day. They can celebrate their relationship on any one of the 364 others.
*Surnames have been omitted to offer anonymity