When will I learn? I made the mistake of watching One Born Every Minute today. Sometimes it has no effect on me at all but I must be tired because I cried and it wasn't even a really emotional one.
The same happened when I was watching Sarra Hoy on the News last week promoting BLISS and seeing her prem little boy so fit and well - it just reminds me how lucky so many people are. I am grateful for the love and support we had in NICU and have been very vocal about it, but today I had an overwhelming sense that I'd missed out. I haven't felt like I have regressed back to Rocco's arrival for a while.
I was taken into hospital just to be monitored and ended up having a C-Section, 18 hours later at 5am in the morning. I wasn't aware that was going to be the outcome that day.
It wasn't having a section that worries me but I'd imagined my sister sat outside waiting for news as I did with her. She wasn't there so I wanted her to call her as soon as he'd arrived but I couldn't as it was so early in the morning and she had a massive event that day (that I was meant to be at) so I felt she needed more sleep.
The calls Mr S made to tell our closest family of the new arrival were received with more shock than the normal conversation would have been - no one expected it. I hadn't called anyone in the night to say I'd been moved to the delivery suite, the first Mr S knew was when he got the call to get back to the hospital. Part of me wishes I had now.
It wasn't until today that I yearned for that moment straight after birth when in most cases you get to cuddle your baby, have everyone say how gorgeous he was and hold him close right away. In our photos we are all gowned up, Mr S has the little man and although I'm there in body I wasn't really there! Both Rocco and Daddy were then whisked away to NICU. I totally understand that had to be done but I feel a bit deprived.
I do find it strange that I have these feelings today, we're 2.5 years on. Rocco is a fit, he's healthy (apart from his recurring winter cough which I am hoping he will grow out of) and he's happy.
I was talking to someone about her maternity leave and she said coming home was lovely and settling in to home life two days after giving birth was great. I spent a lot of time in NICU, I wasn't home with my baby. I came home without the little man, I don't remember struggling with it too much although my mum said she thinks I did. Maybe that's why I regress.
I also don't remember getting lots of 'baby' cards until Rocco came home, which I suppose is understandable, but after the birth of a baby the house should be filled with joy and happiness. Ours was a little more subdued but full or relief that both he and I were going to be ok.
It really is strange how these memories come back to me and niggle at me from time to time. I can go months without thinking back to those times and usually when I do it's a bit blurry and Mr S puts the pieces together for me. We look at some pictures, look at the crazy two year old running around the house and all is right with the world.
It was just the start of a journey, a blip that made us stronger together and we will be forever grateful. I shouldn't feel deprived, I should feel thankful and not worry about those small bits I missed out on.
On that note I'm off to collect him from nursery and give him a great big squeeze. I'm very lucky that I can.