Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So, each week we round up the most hilarious 280-character quips from mums and dads to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
When your toddler can open the door themselves in the middle of the night congratulations, you live in a haunted house now.
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) November 8, 2019
My kids will eat anything as long as one step of the recipe says “Add Contents of Cheese Packet”
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) November 5, 2019
I don’t know started the saying “life is short” but it definitely wasn’t a parent waiting for a child to “do it myself”
— MomTransparenting (@momtransparent1) November 4, 2019
CLOCK: daylight saving time has ended you now have an extra hour
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) November 3, 2019
MY KID: dibs
Therapist: What do you do when your toddler has unrealistic expectations?
— Mom On The Rocks (@mom_ontherocks) November 6, 2019
Me: Tell her she’s acting like her father.
Therapist: No
The Forrest Gump shrimp scene, but it’s my daughter listing the various types of slime: “There's unicorn slime, butter slime, glow in the dark slime, galaxy slime, jelly slime, metallic slime, magnetic slime, glitter slime, rainbow slime, snow slime, fluffy slime…”
— SpacedMom (@copymama) November 6, 2019
Me: Why is there a sticker on the fridge?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 7, 2019
5-year-old: It did a good job.
Me: *gives it another sticker*
Husband: [3], come here before you start eating.
— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) November 4, 2019
3: *starts eating*
Him: BEFORE you start eating.
3 : *keeps eating*
Him: I said come here BEFORE you - *starts pulling her from the table*
3 : *hurriedly shoves goldfish crackers into her mouth as she’s being dragged away*
Me: *calls child’s name*
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) November 6, 2019
...
Me: *calls child’s name*
...
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Only have kids if you REALLY want to watch someone do a spin 10,000 times.
— Lauren Mullen (@DraggingFeeties) November 7, 2019
Mom friend: "Nutrition is so important."
— Ramblin Mama (@ramblinma) November 7, 2019
Me, knowing full well my kids survive on various forms of fried potatoes: "Totally."
The parenting books don’t tell you you’re going to go broke buying reusable water bottles for your kid to lose.
— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) November 8, 2019
All day:
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) November 6, 2019
10yo: *sniffing but refuses to blow nose
During piano practice:
10yo: *insists on blowing his nose every 30 secs
I saw a new mom and I could see the hope and love in her eyes while she held her newborn, so I acknowledged the adorableness of her baby and whispered "run" as I walked away.
— Marcy G 🍕 (@BunAndLeggings) November 7, 2019
I think I've figured out this whole meal planning thing with kids:
— Divergent Mama (@Divergentmama) November 5, 2019
Monday - won't eat it
Tuesday - don't like it
Wednesday - ewww gross
Thursday - that AGAIN
Friday - it smells weird
Saturday - this has chunks
Sunday - pizza
At 2 1/2 year well check for my toddler:
— Rachel Sobel (@whinecheezits) November 7, 2019
Pediatrician: Is she mimicking behavior? Like, pretending to make phone calls like you do?
Me: Like pretending to shave her lady parts in the shower with a toy razor?
Pediatrician: What!?
Me: What?
Me: Don’t do that.
— Fowl Language Comics (@fowlcomics) November 8, 2019
Kids: We won’t.
Me: Please. It’s important you don’t.
Kids: We said we wouldn’t.
Me: Again, I can’t stress how important it is not to do that.
Kids: WE WONT!!!!!
Narrator: They immediately did that.
Of all the terrible ways to be woken up I think, “mommy, my fart is on the floor,” takes the cake. 😳😂
— Rhyming Mama (@sarabellab123) November 7, 2019
the most interesting thing about being the mom of a 6 year old is knowing that I'm way too old to be cast as the mom of a teenager in any primetime tv show
— maura quint (@behindyourback) November 7, 2019
At bedtime our 3yo cried because his stuffed “buddy” was missing, so I heroically retrieved it.
— Richard Dean (@dad_on_my_feet) November 8, 2019
The fact that he then began screaming for a completely DIFFERENT toy is why I’m currently drinking all the scotch.
Non parents: This silence is nice
— C͙a͙l͙l͙i͙o͙p͙e͙M͙o͙o͙n͙🌙 (@chellemybell22) November 7, 2019
Parents: *hears nothing* where the fuck are the kids and what are they doing!??