I don't know about you but I find toddlers seem to take up an awful lot of time. If you're not taking them to the toilet, you're asking if they want to go to the toilet, if you're not trying to keep them awake, you're trying to get them to sleep and if you're not trying to get them to sit down and eat something you're trying to hide from them behind a cupboard door and inhale a whole packet of chocolate Hob Nobs without them noticing. And that's even before you think of keep the little [insert term of endearment/ swear here] entertained.
Well enough is enough. Mummy needs some quality me/gin-drinking/Ryan Gosling watching time so I've worked out the ten best ways to save time when rearing a toddler.
1. Don't wash them
I mean what is the actual point? They're only going to get dirty again and if you stop washing them, eventually their natural oils will start cleaning them. Probably.
I would suggest also forgoing the twice-daily teeth clean but I'm not a monster.
2. Do the crafts yourself
If, like me, your toddler is unable to follow Pinterest's 86-step guide on making an scale size model of when dinosaur's walked the earth complete with a glitter, solar-powered meteorite that is timed to hit the model at noon every day. Then just stick CBeebies on, make the model yourself and just say your toddler did it.. Maybe accompany the Facebook post with a photo of said toddler with an artfully applied smear of paint on their nose. CUTE!
3. Get a dog
This cuts down your 'sweeping up food from the floor time' to zero. Sure, you might spend time sweeping up the dogs hair because he seems to shed ALL THE DAMN TIME but, if you don't sweep it up eventually all the balls of fur mat together and you look like you've got a chic new carpet that requires no hoovering. Double time-saving whammy high-five.
4. Never leave the house .
It's just easier but you might want to occasionally stick their arms out a window to get some Vitamin D
5. Don't cook from scratch
No one really cares except you and, if you're honest, you only care a little bit when Jamie Oliver tells you to. The sooner we all accept that toddlers just want to eat toast and oven-baked crap, the less time we can all waste blending, simmering and creaming. And for those days you do care, just prop a colour photo of what you could have made on the table in front of you and call it imaginary play.
6. Forget potty training
Let's face it, when they're in their eighties our toddlers are going to start shitting themselves again anyway so just skip the 78 years between now and then and give everyone a break.
7. Superglue any removable parts to toys
If I could add up the amount of time I've spent looking for our Elsa doll's bloody shoe I'd be a blogging super star by now (because it's only lack of time that's stopping me obvs). Just glue everything to its respective toy and then maybe superglue said toy to your child.
8. Fashion a vapour rub nose bag
You just have to accept that from now until about mid-April your toddler is going to a big whingey blob of germs but at least with nose bag full of the good stuff attached permanently to their nose you don't have to keep reapplying. And it's good at catching snot drops without the need of tissues.
9. Limit all extra-curricular activities to those that don't require your attendance
If you do have to leave the house because the children require some mental stimulation and/or physical exercise (selfish) find a class that you can perform the old 'hug and roll' recommended by that 90's documentary Friends. I favour the local ballet class on a Saturday morning - the minute the teacher suggested parents no longer needed to stay I was out of there and in Costa drinking a Chai Latte before the first naughty toe had even been imagined.
10. Give up taking the perfect selfie
Life is too short for that shit.
A version of this post first appearedon and another ten things including a bonus tip involving sun tan cream and a paddling pool.
If you want to hear more about Suzanne's Grade A parenting, you can find her over on Facebook.