At the beginning of this week, Boris Johnson posted a tweet aimed at setting the tone for this year’s Tory conference. It was full of purpose, enthusiasm and even contained some jolly emojis:
So it must have come as a crushing disappointment to the prime minister that his conference has at times exhibited similar levels of life, joy and enthusiasm to Christmas at the Clinton household in 2016.
1) Andrea Leadsom
Take the speech of business secretary Andrea Leadsom for example.
When writing her script, the line “He has the personality and the pizzazz to get Brexit over the line, doesn’t he?” was probably followed by a “and pause, wait for ecstatic response to subside”.
But in reality it was “omg you’re going to have to answer your own rhetorical question, these guys look they’ve just been asked to explain the Irish backstop to dead puppy”.
2) Esther McVey
Esther McVey had exactly the opposite problem – rather than struggling to fill gaps, she couldn’t say enough. Only what she said was erm... baffling.
The minister for housing and planning, and her job is very important context for what comes next, was discussing how new technologies have the potential to draw more people into construction.
She said: “We’ve got to get more people going into construction full stop.”
Then it got weird: “But if we have this new way of doing it – 3D architects, 3D visionaries – doing it with it on a computer... there’s a whole new raft of jobs.”
So yes, just to confirm that is the your very own minister for housing and planning appearing to suggest that designing and constructing buildings in three dimensions is a revolutionary new concept.
3) Liz Truss
Liz Truss has already achieved Tory conference infamy after a majestically bad speech in 2014 about the dangers of imported cheese (more on this later).
There’s nothing particularly wrong with the words of the minister of international trade, it’s just her bizarre delivery – like a child in front of their class ranking their favourite sweets.
And as a reward for getting this far, here is The Room Next Door Man’s version of her cheese speech. Enjoy.
4) Dominic Raab
Another Tory with clear notes on when to milk those pauses, Dominic Raab knew a dig at the Lib Dems would go down a treat with his fellow members.
And it did.
Only, it was ruined slightly by making this face as someone in crowd, like a bad heckler at a pub comedy night, shouted: “LIBERAL WHAT?”
5) Julia Gillard
While much of the talk from the stage was about the benefits of Brexit, outside the halls, Australia’s former PM was basically calling the whole thing tosh.
In an interview with Sky News’ Kay Burley, Julia Gillard laid out quite clearly what priority a post-Brexit Britain could expect in any trade deals.
She said: “The United Kingdom is not in the absolute top-tier of our current trading relationships, obviously China is, the US is.
“We are as a nation negotiating a free trade agreement with the European Union so those discussions are under way.”
Ouch.
And to finish...
The other side
It wasn’t just the Tories who were having their cringeworthy moments – this anti-Brexit protest consisting of a man who doesn’t quite know if he can play guitar or not and the Incredible Hulk’s gran was quite something too.
But it’s not been all doom, gloom and awkward silences longer than a post-Brexit lorry queue in Dover – we end with this rather lovely clip of Sajid David talking about his mum.