I don't know about you but I find there is something so satisfying about putting your out-of-office on. It's like a great big "I don't care so get lost" to anyone who contacts you, especially if you can push their query off on someone else. But when I was setting my out-of-office before the Bank Holiday weekend, I thought how amazing it would be if you could set an out-of-office as a parent. How nice would it be to just shut down those endless, ridiculous queries our kids bombard us with on a daily basis, especially when we least want to be disturbed?
So here are my top ten out-of-office messages I wish I could set for when I need to take some annual leave from parenting:
1.After bedtime
The office is now closed so I am unable to deal with your request for a drink/ the toilet/ that toy you lost on holiday 8 months ago until it reopens at 7am tomorrow. If your message is urgent please call your dad.
2.Loo break
I am currently away from my desk as I needed to pee, eat a Twix and check Facebook on my phone but I will respond to your inane questions as soon as possible. Your patience is appreciated. I SAID, YOUR PATIENCE IS APPRECIATED.
3.Dinnertime
If your message concerns the contents of your dinner please forward your enquiry to idontgiveashit@juststarvethen.com
4.Soft Play
My senses are currently on annual leave. If you require immediate assistance you will find me huddled over a lukewarm cup of weak tea and gently rocking in the corner.
Where's that out-of-office when you need it?
5.Swimming
I am unable to deal with your enquiry as I am crouched painfully in calf-deep and suspiciously warm water wondering what the hell I did to deserve this on a Saturday morning. Please note if you shit in the pool your account will be disabled.
6.Long-haul flight
Unfortunately I'm not at my desk at the moment but if you redirect your enquiry to that tutting woman in seat 15F she'll be happy to help.
7.Catching-up on Great British Bake Off
I am not able to deal with your nonsensical enquiry at the moment as I am quietly judging a middle-aged woman on her unevenly baked biscuits.
8.Writing a blog
Thank you for your enquiry. I am currently trying to write a witty blog about parenting and am therefore unable to parent. Please pose for an Instagram worthy photo and go away.
9.Cup of Tea
I am away from my desk for the next ten minutes as I'm trying to enjoy a twice microwaved cup-of-tea. I know your enquiry is not urgent so please leave me alone.
10.Rare Night out
Please note this account is no longer being monitored.