( A novel introduction...)
Hi, my name is Susie and I'm an addict..
The first time I ever used those words, without smirking, it was like a veil had lifted, not just from my eyes, but from almost all of my other senses. A seemingly endless flurry of bitter, painful or just downright embarrassing memories thundered through my brain. .A colourful kaleidoscope of my past, from that first drink at the tender age of twelve, to snorting lines in filthy toilets in my twenties, to the large bag of cannabis I'd smoked by myself the previous evening. Memories that had kept me up at night were linking together in previously unrelated ways. I'd just been enjoying myself, hadn't I? I wasn't hurting anyone (much). In fact, I'd been emotionally injured by plenty of people, so the things I did in the name of escapism were regularly self justified..
It's a scary thing to say, especially to a room full of strangers. I'd just heard several of them uttering that same Narcotics Anonymous preamble, before launching into whatever they needed to say on that day, to make their personal sobriety somewhat more bearable. What exactly is N.A, you may wonder? It's basically for any person who is addicted to any drug. It could be prescription painkillers, cocaine, weed, heroin, alcohol, all of the above and/ or everything in between. We don't distinguish between what's illegal and what's considered to be 'socially acceptable'. If getting and staying off your head is affecting your life dramatically, and you want to stop, then N.A could be your shining beacon of hope... It took me a long, long time to get here and already I sound like the people who I used to think of as smug bastards. How could I have been an addict when I had a job and a home? I wasn't shooting anything into my veins and most of my family and friends still liked me. Everybody knew, or thought that they knew, that you can't be addicted to weed. If I was an addict then most of my friends must have been addicts and that struck me as utter nonsense. But, as it turns out, you can get addicted to pretty much anything that sparks that wee part of your brain that says 'Ohhh I liked that!!. It stopped the bad feelings I usually have, albeit temporarily. Please keep doing that so I don't have to deal with reality'. And we listen to it. We stop hearing real life calling us to come and conquer our demons. We stop talking to people who don't let us continue our self imposed delusions.
Addiction Land is a very expensive place to live in.. It can take moments or years to get there and everybody's experience of it is just the same as, while being totally different to the next person's. I have my own story to tell. Some of it isn't very pretty at all, but it's mine, and I wear it with a badge of honour. Because I survived it. I get to be the smug bastard and I'm proud to have made it to the other side..
To be continued..