Sex therapists frequently get questions from frustrated female patients who struggle to have an orgasm.
And, of course, thereโs much more to good sex than just the climax, but that sweet, sweet release makes it that much better.
For many women, orgasming during masturbation isnโt an issue โ problems only arise when it comes to sex with a partner. And if you fall into that category, youโre definitely not alone.
In fact, a 2015 Cosmopolitan survey of 2,300 women ages 18 to 40 found that only 57 percent of women have an orgasm most or every time they have sex with a partner. Then thereโs a smaller subset of women โ roughly 5 to 10 percent, according to Elisabeth A. Lloydโs The Case of the Female Orgasm โ who have never had an orgasm at all, solo or otherwise.
But ladies, we assure you, things arenโt quite as hopeless as they seem. We reached out to three sex therapists and gathered their expert tips, suggestions and other kernels of wisdom that will have you on your way to the Big O.
First, why some women canโt climax during sex with a partner.
The reasons can be physical, mental or emotional in nature, according to sex therapist Ian Kerner.
โIt could be a lack of foreplay, a focus on intercourse without requisite levels of clitoral stimulation, a lack of psychogenic or physiological arousal or a relationship issue such as lack of attraction, poor communication or anger,โ Kerner, the author of She Comes First: The Thinking Manโs Guide to Pleasuring a Woman, told HuffPost.
Itโs also important to look at psychological factors including depression, anxiety, a history of trauma or body image issues, all of which can interfere with a womanโs ability to climax.
Some women canโt orgasm from masturbation, either.
Again, sexperts say there are a number of potential contributing factors at work here. Some women simply may not know what kind of stimulation โ physical and otherwise โ they require to reach an orgasm, according to sex therapist Celeste Hirschman.
โThey might try to masturbate, but donโt know how, so they get bored and give up,โ said Hirschman, who co-authored the book Making Love Real: The Intelligent Coupleโs Guide to Lasting Intimacy and Passion along with her business partner Danielle Harel. โWe let women know that they may need to move their pelvis, clench the muscles in their vagina, or tighten the muscles in their legs in order to achieve orgasm.โ
โYou might [also] need to fantasize, read erotica, or watch porn,โ Hirschman continued. โThis not only helps you get turned on, it also gets your head out of performance anxiety.โ
And if all that doesnโt work? Difficulty reaching orgasm could be related to medication side effects, gynecological issues or an erotic conflict around what arouses you (in other words, a taboo element of your sexual identity).
So what do sex therapists recommend to patients who struggle with these very things? Below, seven expert-backed tips.
Get cliterate.
The 2015 Cosmo survey found that 38 percent of women who didnโt orgasm with a partner said it was due to a lack of clitoral stimulation.
โWhen it comes to the female orgasm, both men and women need to understand that the clitoris is the powerhouse of the female orgasm and that most intercourse positions do not provide persistent, consistent clitoral stimulation necessary to produce orgasm,โ Kerner explained. โShift the focus from intercourse to outercourse.โ
Consider using a sex toy, like a vibrator, your hand or your partnerโs hand to stimulate the clitoris during foreplay, intercourse or other non-penetrative sexual activities.
The beauty is in the buildup.
โWe wish people understood that womenโs arousal generally comes from a slow buildup that incorporates mental turn-ons plus all-over body stimulation,โ Hirschman told HuffPost. โTouching the clit too soon can actually lower a womanโs arousal, making it harder for her to orgasm. Teasing and building up sexual tension makes a womanโs orgasm more likely and more intense.โ
Consider talking to a sex therapist to educate yourself โ with your partner, if you have one, or on your own.
Sex therapist Sari Cooper told HuffPost she asks patients who have trouble orgasming for a thorough history to learn the extent of their sexual education and experience.
โWe want to identify what parts of sexuality are pleasurable for them and focus on these within their relationship or during self pleasuring,โ Cooper, host of the web show โSex Esteem,โ said. โAnd also learn exercises to calm the mind if their mind races with worry, negative self-talk or body shame, which can interfere with erotic and sexual arousal.โ
She also recommends patients watch educational self-pleasuring videos to learn a variety of techniques and find what works for them.
It might take some practice, and thatโs OK.
โLearning how to orgasm is like learning how to play an instrument, the choreography to a dance or figuring out a yoga position,โ Cooper told HuffPost. โIt takes patience, practice, focused slow breathing and keeping any perfectionistic thoughts aside. After all, itโs not about the destination but the journey, ladies, which will allow for your own pleasure to emerge.โ
Donโt underestimate the importance of psychological arousal.
โOften when a person is unable to orgasm, itโs because thereโs some sort of inhibitor getting in the way: feeling anxious, feeling hopeless, thinking too much about whether or not itโs going to happen,โ Kerner told HuffPost. โPsychological stimulation, such as fantasy, increases arousal while also distracting from the inhibitors. Too often people are relying on physiological arousal to reach orgasm and not paying enough attention to psychological arousal.โ
Remember: The orgasm is for your pleasure โ not your partnerโs ego.
โIf the pressure to orgasm is due to your partnerโs feelings of inadequacy, their frustration, or worse, their anger, the work in therapy will also need to focus on the coupleโs relationship.โ Cooper said.
Let go of expectations, and just do your thang.
โItโs important to let go of what you think an orgasm should feel like, look like and how long it should take,โ Cooper said. โToo many films show women screaming ecstatically when vaginally penetrated without any clitoral stimulation at all. If youโre caught up in these thoughts, your body and mind are not joined, nor are they relaxed. These are key ingredients to what I have termed โsex esteem,โ the confidence and calm to learn more about your sensual self.โ