28/10/2013 08:13 GMT | Updated 23/01/2014 18:58 GMT

How To Tell If You've Found 'The One': Halloween Edition

There are points in our relationships that solidify one humble and solitary truth: this is the person that I am meant to be with.

It's not something we always realise instantly. It often takes a foundation of love, trust and respect. Along the way there are several important discussions. We discuss our responsibilities within the relationship. We discuss whether or not we want marriage. We discuss whether or not we want to have children. Once we know that we're on the same page as the person we've chosen to share our life with, it feels like a bridge has been crossed and we're now on the same page and we can peacefully continue our relationship. There is, however, one crucial discussion that all couples need but somehow forget. Once this all important conversation has arisen and been thoroughly discussed in depth it will reveal whether or not you and your partner are compatible...

This conversation in particular is, of course, the ever crucial zombie apocalypse survival discussion.


How do you know if you and your sweetheart are meant to be if you don't know your plan for when the undead begin to walk the Earth?

I mean surely the conversation starts with where you in the event of a rage virus outbreak. Do you move into your home together? Do you move into their apartment? How much clothing do you pack? If you live together do you stay there in that home or move elsewhere? Should you fix that slick crack in the window now to prevent zombie breakage later? Which side of the bed do you sleep on and under which pillow do you hide a handy axe?

You then have to discuss the rights and responsibilities of the situation. Who takes on the role of zombie lookout? Who is better at firing a gun? Is your shared home/location big enough for a large supply of weaponry and long-lasting canned goods? You need to discuss your tactics because no one wants to be slowed down by a partner with lousy survival tactics that will ultimately land them, and possibly yourself, in the position of becoming zombie food.

Then we come to the most crucial part of the discussion: what happens if one of you becomes infected. If you're truly in love there should be a pang of sadness in your heart at the very idea of your beloved becoming a member of the living dead but it's also a good idea to discuss what you do in the situation. Anyone who has watched a zombie film probably knows that gut-wrenching moment when the realisation hits: there isn't much time and this person is infected and soon to turn into a zombie. You have to take action and you need to do so very quickly. Now there are two really good options. The first is that you agree to do the humane thing for you both and you kill your partner so there's one less zombie in the world and you at least have a higher chance or survival. The second, and arguably more romantic route, is to stay by the side of your darling and become their food source and hopefully become infected with the same virus. This way you can continue your life together as you run around eating all the humans and causing general global terror but hey - at least you're doing it together!

If you both have a coherent zombie apocalypse survival plan and can agree on tactics and life-saving decisions, you're sorted because if you've got your relationship planned from this point until the dawn of the zombie apocalypse, you know you're set for life. Don't forget: a couple that slays together stays together.