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Strictly Come Dancing - Movie Week

Anita and Gleb performed the American Smooth to 'Unchained Melody' from Ghost. Gleb is without question the hottest dancer Strictly has ever had and thus caused me to lose concentration and I focused entirely on his muscular arse, so I've no idea if the routine was any good. Soz.

The show was introduced by a BBC announcer, who confided randomly, "You know how the movies make you feel totes happy?" Setting aside the fact that nobody has said "totes" since 2011, no, I don't know that. For example The Wicker Man (Nicholas Cage version) makes me so unhappy I despair for the future of humanity, never mind the film industry, Totes miserable, Beeb.

But away with continuity goons and on to the dancing; first up was Carol and Pasha dancing the Quickstep to 'Wash That Man' from South Pacific. Carol danced like a woman trying to wash treacle off her shoes, but she's lovely so I hope she stays in a few more weeks.

Next up was Anthony, who is a boxer, and Oti; they danced the Paso Doble to 'Eye Of The Tiger' from Rocky, because, er, boxing. There were a lot of ridiculous moves based on sparring in a boxing ring (natch) and he was rubbish. "Has he come back fighting - can you get him off the ropes?" asked Tess, failing to suppress a shudder at the terrible script she is forced to parrot each week. Len, of course, waffled on about how Antony had really "gone for it" then awarded him five points so what was that all about, Len.

There was a particularly excruciating VT from Katie and Anton about millionaires, because they were dancing to 'Pretty Woman' from, well, Pretty Woman. Lots of fake diamonds and mentions of the stock market, but strangely no reference to being a hooker giving blow jobs in the back of a parked car. Katie, who in the past two weeks has been fabulous, looked sensational but her dancing wasn't awfully good. "That's my fault," said Anton gallantly throwing himself under the bus.

A woman from EastEnders (apparently, I haven't watched it for years) danced a Charleston with Kevin (I like Kevin) who had chosen Star Wars as his movie theme. How on earth would that work? Rather brilliantly, it turned out. "Kellie Bright and a Jedi Knight - JUST RIGHT!" yelped Len, thrilled with himself. Ainsley and Natalie danced the Cha Cha to 'Boogie Wonderland' from Happy Feet. Ainsley gave it his not inconsiderable imitation of a penguin, but alas it was a penguin who had forgotten most of his footwork. "It didn't get my seal of approval," smirked Len smugly, who only just managed not to add "GEDDIT?"

Next up, Georgia and Giovanni the Sicilian danced a Rumba to 'Writing's On The Wall' from the new Bond film Spectre, which is one of the worst Bond songs ever, and I love Sam Smith. It was pure filth and Craig loved it. Giovanni, a great looking bloke but alas one who sweats like an ice lolly in a furnace, looked wetly stoic as Len shouted about the routine not containing sufficient Rumba moves. They were followed by Helen and Aljaž dancing the Foxtrot to 'I Wanna Be Loved By You' from Some Like It Hot. Helen channelled her inner Marilyn Monroe, wearing a dress every woman on Twitter wanted for themself, and was sensational. Unsurprisingly, the judges loved it.

They were followed by Daniel and Kristina performing the Cha Cha to 'Summer Nights' from the film Grease. 54-year-old Daniel, who I confess I thought was at least 70, took on the role of 23-year-old John Travolta playing 18-year-old Danny Zuko with enthusiasm, if not talent. "It was a mix of Summer Nights and Last of the Summer Wine," opined Len, who was spot on for once. Kirsty and Brendan danced the American Smooth to 'He's A Tramp' from Lady & The Tramp. Despite lovely choreography from Brendan, Kirsty, although beautiful and talented, is just not a very good dancer.

Ooh, The Andre. Peter and Janette danced the Paso Doble to 'He's A Pirate' (nope, me neither) from Pirates Of The Caribbean. Looking more like The Bearded Lady than Jack Sparrow, it was high on drama and low on shaping, as Craig and Bruno pointed out to loud boos from the audience. If the voters have their way (and they will) Peter Andre will win this thing, no contest.

Jamelia and Tristan danced the Salsa to 'Heaven Must Be Missing An Angel' from Charlie's Angels (I thought it was from Tavares and my primary school disco, but no, apparently not.) I thought she was tremendous, notwithstanding the banana-coloured dressing gown she was forced to wear, but Craig disagreed with me, the fool, although he finished his nitpicking critique by saying "this is your dance," which rather rescued things.

Up came dad dancer Jeremy Vine, whose genuine pleasure at being part of the competition is his saving grace because he can't dance for toffee. He and dance partner Karen danced the Charleston to 'Top Hat, White Tie and Tails' from the Fred Astaire movie Top Hat. Gulp. Big shoes to fill and all that. Jezza danced the whole thing with an expression of absolute joy at just being there and only a lump of rock could fail to be joyous with him. "An unexpected delight," said Bruno, summing up what everybody was thinking. Craig hated it but the J-Bomb didn't care.

Anita and Gleb performed the American Smooth to 'Unchained Melody' from Ghost. Gleb is without question the hottest dancer Strictly has ever had and thus caused me to lose concentration and I focused entirely on his muscular arse, so I've no idea if the routine was any good. Soz.

Yippee, Jay! I love Jay. He and Aliona danced the Jive to a medley of 'Misirlou/You Never Can Tell' from Pulp Fiction and it was FAULTLESS. Who knew a jive could be sexy? If this had been Week Eight it would be 10s across the board. As it was, he got three 9s and one 10, and he bloody well deserved them.

So, who will be voted out? I'd say Len but unfortunately we're stuck with him.

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