It's beautiful in London today. The sun is shining, the restaurants have put out their summer seating and there's just something in the air that says "order a pimms" at lunch. So, why is it, that I feel glum today?
I am a natural born worrier. If I am not worrying while I'm awake, I'm having full blown horror like nightmares when I'm asleep. As a freelancer in TV, you would think I would be used to the uncertainty of work and the peaks and troughs nature of the game, but after eight years I haven't become accustomed to this at all. I worry about my next job when I am in work, and I worry about unemployment when I'm out of work (rightly so I guess.)
If you met me, you probably wouldn't guess that. I let off this 'go get 'em' attitude and seem like nothing affects me. For most of the year, I do believe what I preach. I'm usually the first person a lot of my friends call up for advice. They call me for tough love and thoughtful advice. I'm well up on the inspirational quotes and always full to the brim with suggestions, motivational advice and a shed load of love. But lately, it's been me that's needed it. And even when I've got it, I turned my nose up.
People keep telling me to "stay positive." Now, this is in no way a dig at all the lovely friends of mine attempting to cheer me up, as I said I myself have been the queen of motivational speaking for some time, but it's not the most useful advice is it? How do I stay positive? How do I get positive in the first place when I'm walking around with a face like a smacked ass. (Never quite got that saying, surely a smacked ass just looks red?)
Below is my response to the other bits of 'advice' I've found.
BE GRATEFUL: Shut up, I am. I appreciate that I have a brilliantly loveable family, some ridiculously funny friends, a wonderful boyfriend and two silly pets to come home to. I am grateful for my health, my life. None of that changes the fact I worry or am a miserable sod today.
REMOVE NEGATIVE THOUGHTS: This is all well and good, but if you have a creative brain, it's a lot harder than the books say. For instance, if I call a friend and they don't answer, do I a) Think that they are on the loo or b) Think they have died in a horrific but unlikely water skiing accident whilst visiting their gran in Cornwall.
SMILE AND THE WORLD SMILES WITH YOU: People who say this should bugger off. I smile constantly; I'm not a complete twat! I smile at miserable bus drivers and my hairdresser even after he buggered it all up. This doesn't mean I am any perkier.
EAT WELL AND EXERCISE: Good advice for anyone, of course. But it's day four of a juice only detox cleanse for me and the irony is the one thing that will probably put a smile on my face this week is a day chilling in the park eating cheesy chips and bread. And all the other carbs I can think of.
So, I have come to a couple of conclusions. Sometimes, nothing is wrong in your life for you to just feel a bit low. Sometimes, you just want to be down for a bit, maybe in order for you to appreciate the up. (See, I told you about my motivational stuff.)
I guess this makes a change for me; I usually wake up so annoyingly upbeat I piss everyone off until midday.
Secondly, if you can't find the answer you are looking for, just ask yourself, what would Jordan Belfort do?
And on that note, I fancy a Pimms and a lapdance.