No one said fighting anorexia was easy, it is probably one of the hardest fights ever. But I can promise you whoever you are it is well worth the fight.
When I was in hospital I never thought or knew recovery was possible. I never imagined a day not governed by calories or feeling like a beached whale. I was curious about how people got through a day with eating without calorie counting.
When I first started my recovery I had to take everyday as it came. If I thought too far ahead I would panic or I would become preoccupied with obsessional planning of exercise and when I could miss a meal.
Five years on I am a healthy weight, I try to eat when I am hungry but still my feelings are so unpredictable. Today the 14th July, I woke up and felt huge. I am at a point in my recovery when I can rationalise with myself but I never know what causes these feelings. But if I am not careful I become lost to these feelings and they start to dictate my every move. On days like this I sometimes become obsessed with calorie counting. This is in no way healthy but from my side at least I am having enough.
But what made me start fighting? And what keeps me winning everyday?
Looking back I think I did not really have a choice but to eat and as I began to eat whilst it was scary and I did feel out of control I got a glimspe of what life could be like. I was scared of feeling this way and scared of losing control but I learnt to talk. Just because you start eating again, people won't assume you are okay. That was one of the hardest things I had to learn. Even now, I still have days when I text my sisters, mum or tell my boyfriend I feel fat. I do this and it takes away some of the guilt when I keep fighting.
When I was in hospital I thought about what I wanted from life; travel, a family; I used prompt cards. Yes I felt silly using them but they were great when ignoring my anorexia who was busy telling me to give up. And now I realise the long term damage; osteoporosis, teeth crumbling; what a waste of money and time when I have doctors appointments. I never used to believe anything anyone told me but believe it from someone who is in recovery and start living.
Once you begin this fight you can start living again. I think my anorexia will always be part of me but I am not going to ever give up fighting her!
Each person fights anorexia their own way. Whatever way you choose to fight you must know that it is well worth it. Its not always easy but keep going. Stay strong! One thing I can promise is the more you fight the easier it gets.
Stand tall against the world, make sure you get up every time you fall. See the bigger picture, keep your head up and be strong.