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Smaug Writes an Open Letter to Benedict Cumberbatch


An open letter was posted online today from controversial embezzling dragon, Smaug, to acclaimed actor, Benedict Cumberbatch, who is set to portray the reptilian monster in the upcoming film, The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug.

Smaug, who relocated his lair to the Ecuadorian embassy after the events of the book, claims that the film intents to paint him in a negative light and has asked the Sherlock actor to reconsider his involvement in the project. The letter is posted below.

Dear Benedict,

Thank you for your attempt to contact me, I don't get many letters these days and I think I would enjoy meeting you as I am a big fan of your work and your funny name.

However, I think this film will paint me in a negative light and further the stereotype that fire-breathing, money-hoarding dragons are all a bunch of evil bastards. It is based on a deceitful book by someone who has a vendetta against me and my family and it attempts to further distort the public misconception that dragons are greedy, lazy and nasty to short people.

It was a hard decision not to meet you as I have enjoyed your previous work. I especially liked you as Legolas in The Fifth Estate, although I'm not sure why you decided to give him that ludicrously over-the-top Australian accent. I respectfully ask you to reconsider your role in the film as Jeff Romeo Romeo Tolkien, to give him his full name, was a lying shit who hates dragons due to an unfortunate incident with a Welsh flag on a drunken rugby tour in the 1971.

By meeting you, I would validate this wretched film and endorse the cynical elongation of a 200 page kids' book into a nine-hour dworgy of annoying songs and 3D bollocks. And why did the baddie in the first one have balls on his chin?


Ian Smaug.

P.S. Can I have your autograph? It's for my brother.

Watch the trailer for The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug

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