14/03/2014 13:35 GMT | Updated 14/05/2014 06:59 BST


Do you know what the worst thing about the internet is?


Everyday someone will send me a picture of a cat doing something cute, like wearing a policeman's helmet or mewling into a trumpet or making a cheese sandwich.

And I hate cats.

People ask me "James, how can you not like cats? Are you allergic?"

and I reply

"Yes. In a way I am allergic to cats. Specifically their highly visible pink arseholes"

Usually they stop trying to convince me then and leave. Because that's what you get when you buy a cat: a highly visible pink arsehole that spends the whole day winking at you. Like Elton John.

And I hate these adverts where people (beautiful woman, normally) are adding sprigs of garnish on to a plate of jellied meat and the cat looks up to thank them? You never see the next bit where it's presenting it's puckered hoop while it's eating and you have to open a window because their food smells like cancer. Advertisers tend to miss that bit out don't they? Likewise the box of grit that people KEEP IN THEIR KITCHEN so after you've fed it you can prepare your own food while the cat takes a quick shit AND THEN GOES OUTSIDE??

And the hairs? After they've brushed past your legs a few times suddenly you're wearing Ugg boots. And the owners will forgive them anything?


If I dropped a half eaten baby pigeon on your foot and then took a shit in your kitchen we would probably have a falling out wouldn't we? But not cats, oh no they are exempt from reasonable behaviour because their eyes are pretty.

"He's just brought me a little present"

"Is it still alive?"

"No. I don't think so"

"Then what's that gurgling noise?"

"I'd better put it out of it's misery"

That's not the sort of present anyone wants is it? Having to mercy kill and bury another animal? I'd rather book tokens thanks, or maybe, for a really special present, you could put some pants on and learn to shit outside?