THE BLOG
18/03/2015 13:47 GMT | Updated 18/05/2015 06:59 BST

Solar Eclipse Proves We Cannot Trust the Sun

For some time now, the liberal media have whitewashed the Sun's pernicious history of deceit. It has been propagandised as an orb carried on a chariot, that smiling baby from the Teletubbies (why is he so pleased with himself?) and as a source of heat and light. In an era of political correctness, few people dare to question this fire bastard's bloated sense of self-approval and the media love-in surrounding it.

But now, even hand-wringing cosmopolitan rags like The Guardianadmit that on 20 March the Sun will disappear almost entirely at around 8am, when most of us are going to work or at least blogging on the Huffington Post. Yes, this darling of the metropolitan elite will be leaving the Moon to handle things for about twenty minutes whilst it goes off to do God knows what. I do happen to know the Wetherspoons on Tottenham Court Road is open at that time...

There seems to be an all too apt media blackout over this act of laziness and arrogance. Luckily, this plucky reporter is armed with the truth and about 5-7 hours of free time every day. Prepare to be enfactened.

The science

The Sun's private life is very different to its public persona. Though it may present itself as a friendly disc of light, no bigger than a one pence piece, the Sun is in fact a spherical ball of molten hot plasma with a diameter about 109 times that of the Earth. Not sounding so nice anymore, right?

But here's the kicker. Whilst the Sun gives every impression of spinning around us, not causing too much trouble, in actual science fact we rotate around the Sun. Aside from the sheer arrogance of wanting to be the biggest source of gravity in our solar system, the real outrage here is that no one voted for this.

The history

And of course, this isn't the first time this plasma prick has been absent without leave. A quick check through Google and my own imagination shows an undeniable pattern of shirking responsibility.

In 1600BC, the Ancient Egyptians took a break from hiding zombies in tombs to scare the shit out of 20th century archeologists and stared up at the sky in disbelief, as the Sun fucked off for a full half an hour around noon. According to recently found texts, the Pharaoh described the Sun's decision as "unbelievable" and added "I mean, I wouldn't mind the Sun ducking out for a bit during the night, but this was during the day." He killed a million slaves to calm things down. That blood is on your hands, the Sun. If you even have hands.

1922, New York. During a penny whistle concert by Billy "Racist Joe" Henderson in Central Park, the molten motherfucker did it again. The flappers providing backing vocals, presumably already in a state of high confusion due to their recently won right to vote, went absolutely apeshit and it was only the intervention of a hundred billy-club wielding police officers that stopped pandemonium breaking out.

Britain, 1999. The discos were full of Steps' cover of Tragedy, and the biggest anxiety was the Millennium Bug. I was preparing for this technological catastrophe by stockpiling cans of analogue beans in my bunker, and had already tied my CD walkman to a chair in preparation for its moment of treachery. But then WHAMO, guess who fucks off for half an hour? The politicians took the Sun's side, of course, with Blair calling the solar menace "the People's Sun".

The conclusion

I am not a racist - I have several friends with an internal convective motion that generates a magnetic field via a dynamo process. But we have to question whether anyone really wants the Sun in their neighbourhood. It's all very well for the Cameron-Miliband-Clegg cartel, in their two million pound Primrose Hill homes. But the rest of us don't have a choice. Under EU regulations, the Sun has the right to travel across any border it choses, and is doing so right now at a pace that can only be compared to the speed of sound.

Don't get me wrong, I like the food the Sun brings to this country (who doesn't like a sun-kissed cherry tomato takeaway on a Friday?), but we have to say enough is enough. Logic dictates that we do - 'enough' literally means 'enough'.

So join me for a largely peaceful protest outside the Institute for Solar Studies this Thursday. If we can smash just one sun dial, the message will be heard. Also, I recommend going on Question Time and calling politicians "liars", displaying any non-Sun related flag in your window (sorry, Japan) and forming a set of inconsistent yet extreme policy ideas.