Saying goodbye to someone you're close to is tough and when you're struggling with depression, it can seem like the end of the world. Especially, when you hold that person on such a high pedestal that you attribute most of your success directly to their impact on your life.
For those of you who don't know my story or how I came to be a journalist, the Cornish media have documented it recently, and you can find it here. The long and short of it: I moved to Cornwall with my partner to study journalism, moved back to Essex recently to work.
I pen this blog post in the grip of the tendrils that I spoke of in my last post and I question my ability to write a legible article, but I consider telling the world about these experiences therapeutic.
The woman I lost is probably the most special person I've ever known. She has been there for me since the very beginning and has coached me through some of the toughest patches in my life. Being a journalist and coping with depression will be a completely new walk for me now that my emotional rock has disintegrated.
When we first moved, I was still finding anti-depressants that were right for me, chopping and changing such drugs can be distressing at best. She would always listen to me, understand when I was upset and help me to her best ability. She was absolutely magnificent and I'll never forget that hospitality which must have been exceedingly difficult to deal with.
There's no doubt in my mind that I would've returned home from Cornwall in the months following my move if she hadn't moved her entire life to be with me so that I could pursue a career. Back then I couldn't keep my mental health under control and the way I knew that she was the one for me was that she could pull me out of any dark hole.
How do I intend to cope with this new kettle of fish? I have no idea. I've never had to be in this situation without someone so close to confide in. I haven't had to deal with depression without having someone nearby who could make me feel better within minutes, for a very long time.
Sometimes, remembering some depression coping mechanisms that I laid out in my last post can be tough - almost impossible. It's hard when the answer we seek remains hidden behind the question. I will be sure to be mindful of the fact that eventually, I will be OK.
Remember to let your feelings out - bottling your emotions up will only increase the pressure you're putting on yourself. Don't be too proud to accept help - if there are people there for you, (parents, friends, etc) let them help you, it's likely that being in the depths of depression you will try and turn down offers of help without meaning it, make sure you are aware of what would make you feel better.
This article isn't a message to her or a cry for help - in fact I doubt she'll read this. What it is, is an invitation to anybody who struggles with depression to talk to me as little or as much as you like. My Twitter is at the bottom of this page and I'd be more than happy to speak to you. You could also email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Remember, there is always light at the end of the tunnel, despite depression telling you the world has ended.