11/07/2014 11:09 BST | Updated 09/09/2014 06:59 BST

Five Lessons to Be Learnt From Frozen

I've somehow managed to avoid writing about Frozen up until now. This is incredible considering how much of my life it seems to have taken up recently. Now of course Frozen has a moral message about the importance of family and love and blah blah blah. I'm not too interested by that part of it. So instead here are the really important messages I want my girls to take away from Frozen.

1) Never Get Engaged To Anyone Who Finishes Your Sandwiches

I get that it's important to share with your partner. What's mine is yours and yours is mine etc. Fine. I share my money, my possessions, my thoughts, my wisdom (!) but not my food. And especially not my sandwiches. I can't imagine anything worse than getting halfway through a sandwich and then realising that my beloved was finishing off the other half. Immediate end of relationship, well as soon as I had made myself another sandwich of course.

2) If You Have Almost Killed Your Sister By Accidentally Freezing Her Heart Don't Start Mucking About Making Everything Frozen Again

So at the end of the film Elsa saves her sister Anna by holding her and this being an act of true love. It is a truly happy ending. The ice and snow melts away (interestingly no signs of flooding which seems odd) and summer arrives. Olaf the snowman gets to enjoy the summer he had been looking forward to with his own little snow cloud over his head to save him from melting. Everyone else is out enjoying the sunshine and the fact that they haven't died in the eternal winter. And suddenly out of the blue Elsa starting shooting off magic everywhere. She freezes the water fountains, turns the floor into an ice rink and makes it start snowing again. Does she have no idea at all?! The lesson to be learned here is quite simple - if you do something that almost kills everyone don't do it again!

3) You Will Attract The Wrong Sort Of Attention If You Go Around Demanding Men "Take You Up The North Mountain"

It is hard to get rid of a reputation once you get one. I think it is important that the girls understand this. You don't get a second chance to make a first impression and all that stuff. I think Disney lets themselves down on this front. If I was Kristoff and a young lady I'd never met before demanded that I took her up the "North Mountain" I would probably take it as a compliment but I'm not sure I would leave with the highest opinion of her. I'm not one to judge a disillusioned princess for being taken up the "North Mountain" on the first date but have a bit of self resect. At least have a drink and get to know Kristoff a little first.

4) If You Are Old Enough To Be Getting Involved In Someone Else's Love Life Then You Are Old Enough To Speak Properly

That bloody little troll annoys me every time. "And by the way I don't see no ring." Don't see no ring. A double negative, so what are you trying to tell me little troll? That you can see a ring? Because effectively that's what you just said! I appreciate it is cute when little kids say things incorrectly. I enjoy it when my Anna says 'stethoscope', when she used to say 'cocolot' instead of 'chocolate' and when she used to sound like Borat whenever she said 'my wipes'. But they don't do it on television. And certainly not in a blockbuster Disney movie. Disney should have the decency to be grammatically correct! Unless this bloody little troll is so young that it is acceptable to get things wrong, in which case he shouldn't be sticking his nose in to other people's love lives.

5) No Matter How Much Fun You Are Having It's Important To Acknowledge An Imminent Bowel Motion

I must say this is something that Iris has taught me. Not that my lack of knowledge has been a particular problem in the past. Both the girls love watching Frozen and they especially like dancing to the songs. Recently Iris has taken to singing along and without seeming too soppy it is one of the cutest things I have ever seen. So this evening I was filming Iris having a dance. It wasn't quite the cute little girl singing to Frozen video I had hoped for...

Iris' Frozen Poo Dance

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