22/05/2013 10:52 BST | Updated 22/07/2013 06:12 BST

Having Fun on the Cheap


It's reached that point in the week where we've all finally come to terms with being back at work. Tonight, instead of crawling home towards our sofas, the comfort of TV and endless calories, the hankering for alcohol begins. Unfortunately for those of us with limited funds it means that fun is pretty much off limits. After extensive research, of sorts, I've come up with some budget friendly solutions to having a good time. (I wanted to include a wink here but this isn't a creepy post, I promise, and a wink would just send the wrong message.)

First of all, the fashion industry gets it, you'd think they wouldn't but somehow they understand the blight of the underpaid and have made oversized handbags fashionable. Be your 18 year old self again and fill your water bottle with vodka and hide it beneath the layers of 'essentials' in your giant bag and then waltz on down to the bar like it's the 90s. Or 80s... or 70s... or 60s... or 50s, no, wait, how old would that make you...? Yeah okay, 50s and 40s, I'd hate to exclude anyone. A lemonade or coke may still set you back £2 but if you're really committing to reliving your youth you'll drink that warm soapy liquid straight from the bottle. So, that's tonight sorted, well, for those of you who own a giant handbag.

Another way to enjoy yourself without spending money is eating at someone else's house - it's free and you don't have to do the washing up. Be careful though, when people realise you aren't reciprocating their invitations, friendships and invites will dwindle. Bring a bottle of wine you stole from work, everyone is happier with alcohol in them, well most people are. Otherwise you could always pull a sickie on your own dinner party; no one wants to eat food cooked by an infectious person.

Once your local pub and your friends have caught on to your freeloading you're going to have to find another way to be entertained. Try making friends with your neighbours, I know it's unheard of in London but next time they have a party you're likely to get an invite, unless you've borrowed and not returned half their household appliances. This brings me nicely on to, house parties.

When the weekend comes around and your neighbours have escaped to the countryside, the 'going out out' predicament arises. Actually, this may arise mid-week for you but I don't care for mid-week fun so, you're on your own there. Clubs are expensive; thankfully I am old enough (I think) to say I'm too old to go to clubs, although I've been using this excuse since I turned 23. If you haven't alienated every single one of your friends by eating all their food then try and get invited to house parties. House parties are the best form of cheap entertainment. You don't have to pay £5 to put your coat away - throw it on someone's bed. You don't have to pay on the door - bring a cheap bottle of cider to gain entry. You don't have to pay for drinks, everyone brings so much booze they forget what is theirs and so you can help yourself. And, if you can't afford a taxi home, passing out is completely acceptable.

By the end of all of this, you probably won't have any friends left. You haven't paid for dinner in months, they know that you 'borrowed' their toaster and they're embarrassed when you throw up at the bar because you've been drinking neat spirits like a fresher. At this point I recommend joining a library and taking up reading. That or learn to make handmade sorry cards, because, let's face it, who can afford cards anymore?

See, it's not at all hard to have fun when you don't have a lot of money. I have no idea what people complain about.