Author's Note: I wrote this essay a few years ago, long before the Time Magazine-inspired chatter about this controversial topic. It's included in my new book, the expanded edition of All About Motherhood, just published.
Do you have a favourite child? No, of course not! Even to broach the topic is taboo [well, until recently, anyway]. We love all our children in the same way, in the same amount, unconditionally. Er...don't we?
Or do we? Isn't there one child (if you have more than one, that is) with whom you really connect, who makes you laugh more than the others, or who makes your day a little brighter than the others can? Let's be honest: Isn't there one son or daughter who secretly you might describe as the "apple of your eye"?
I know this is a difficult subject, one that most parents don't want to face. But believe it or not, there are some parents who will come right out and admit it. "Billy drives me bonkers! Mandy is the child of my contentment!" I know one father who actually has bequeathed half of his substantial fortune to his son, leaving his daughters to split the other half between them (he's always openly doted on his male offspring, treating the lovely girls like his personal maids). Even in my own family, I remember my mother's angst when my uncle would breeze through town. My grandmother's eyes would light up, her smile would broaden, and you could swear--even though she'd never admit it---that my uncle was her favourite child.
Just last week my kids were accusing me of favouring my youngest, after I gave him the free iPod that came with my middle son's new computer. Apparently, each of my three boys thought he deserved the iPod, even though the older two already have comparable devices and the youngest's is broken. Sometimes a parent just can't win.
I always felt that I was the favourite child in my family (my mother fondly described me as "the baby" well into my forties). But she had a knack for making us all feel special. Even though I thought I was her personal fav, the truth was she refused to move away from the town where my brother lived (which might have told me something). She had a great trick, I realise now--she made each child feel like he or she was number one in her book.
Why is this such a prickly subject? For one thing, having a favourite (whether you own up to it or not) can make the other siblings feel horrid. Jealousy, rivalry, sometimes even estrangement can be the outcome when siblings sense that one is favored over another. A parent's love is the prize that every child craves. It's hard enough to have to share, but when it's blatantly obvious that one child is favoured, it can become unbearable for the child who is second place.
This topic recently began to weigh on my mind while packing up my middle son for college. Let's face it; he's always been my easy one. Ready to help, a high achiever in school, funny, sweet, and affectionate. Compared to my other two boys, Sam's been a piece of cake to raise (never mind that he's prone to breaking bones). So is he my favourite child?
Yes, when it comes to making my day go smoothly; my middle son is absolutely my first choice for offering help and solace. But then there's my eldest son, the boy who can solve any problem, just by thinking. And talk about ethics: any question on what is right or wrong he can answer in a heartbeat. If I had to choose a favourite child based on who has the most probing mind, it would have to be Aaron. But then...if I were to choose based upon which child is most like me it would most definitely be Ben, my youngest. We have exactly the same sense of humour, the same love of words and writing, and his cleverness sometimes has me howling with laughter. (He is far cleverer than I'll ever hope to be.) Based on our kindred spirits, my favourite child would have to be Ben.
Now I have a problem: I have three favourite children. But I believe it's okay to admit that one child is your favorite in this way--your favourite writer, your favourite scholar, your favourite comedienne...as long as down deep we love them all with all our hearts, for all their various attributes and foibles.
It's hard to part with my sweet and easy son, to send him off to college miles away. But hopefully, when I'm feeling blue about it, I'll solve a problem with Aaron or discuss a book with Ben, and I'll be reminded that all my children have gifts that brighten and enliven my days.
Still, I can't help asking... do you have a favourite, favourite child?
Perhaps the best answer is that old cliché, "Only my hairdresser knows for sure." And that's as it should be.
Read more posts from Kathryn Livingston at Body in Balance TV.