THE BLOG
25/05/2014 12:50 BST | Updated 25/07/2014 06:59 BST

How to Heal a Broken Heart

There is plenty of advice written about how to get over a relationship breakup, the majority of it aimed at women - suggesting that men find it easier to move on after a relationship breaks down.

Popular advice, regarding ways to help heal a broken heart, include chatting with friends, lavender oil infused baths, manicures and long walks.

I'm not so sure.

Because in a situation where a person finds themselves 'dumped' the chances are they are unlikely to be of sane enough mind to walk down the street without collapsing in a crumpled heap, much less, select a suitable aromatherapy treatment. 

They will feel rage, they will feel fury, they will feel a burning resentment and bitterness for every man walking the planet. They will not feel like a walk on Hampstead Heath or sitting still long enough to have their cuticles trimmed.

Despite my scepticism, I do believe there are a number of ways in which to help heal the wounds of a break up. They won't rid you of your bitterness and rage, but they will aid your recovery and help you forget the wrongdoings bestowed upon you.

Get drunk. You will find Sauvignon Blanc to be the most loyal of friends when newly alone. Mercifully, a good bottle of dry white wine will not try to rationalise your hatred towards your ex, tell you everything will be alright in the end and that there are plenty more fish in the sea, but it will totally numb your temporary sadness, remind you that there is much fun to be had in the gutter and, with luck, see you in bed with a totally inappropriate waiter you picked up in a West End bar on a gap year from Australia.

Have meaningless sex with total strangers. Regardless of your age, after being jilted one should spend as much time as possible seeking out inappropriate sex. The age, geographical location, intellectual compatibility and financial/social situation of your

target is of no matter. What is important is the speed and ease in which the volunteer is willing to 'soothe' your pain. To simplify, having sex with someone else will not necessarily encourage new relationships or make you feel fantastic about yourself in the morning. It will, however, give you something else to think about, and, whereas before you would spend your time obsessing about your ex's new girlfriend, you can now spend your time obsessing about whether it is legal for a woman in her late thirties to have sexual relations with a 19-year-old from South Africa who still owns a skateboard. Distraction is the key.

Look after yourself. Certainly, have a manicure, in fact, do have a manicure. Speed diet, apply fake tan, re-mortgage your house in order to totally restyle your wardrobe, buy Louboutins and wear them to work, invest in some bright red lipstick, get a boob job, have Botox. In other words, do whatever is necessary to re-shape you into the goddess that you really are. And do it for you, not in the hope that, one day, you may bump into your ex in the street and he might want you back. (He dumped you, he won't, regardless of the boob job.)

Book holidays. In places where there is plenty of alcohol, sun and available men to have sex with. Do not go to a yoga retreat on a mountain in Croatia. Green tea and the downward dog will help your core not your heart. Ideally go with friends, who will indulge you in hours of bitching about your ex-boyfriend ...

Bitch about your ex-boyfriend. It is recommended by numerous advice sources that 'moving on' is a successful healing method. Total nonsense. The slagging off of your ex should be top of your priorities in the immediate aftermath of being dumped. By which, I do not mean sharing your hatred for him on Facebook, but I do mean, that reminding

yourself of all his weaknesses as often as possible to appropriate audiences can be amazingly beneficial. 

Why not start a blog or an Instagram account called my ex-boyfriend has a tiny penis?

You'll be amazed at how many followers you'll get.

Do not stalk him. Be it virtually or otherwise. Checking his online account may feel therapeutic at the time but really means you are just wasting valuable amounts of time staring at a screen when you could be doing other things that will genuinely help (see above). Similarly driving up and down his road in the hope of bumping into him will not make him say 'Wow, fancy seeing you here, what a coincidence, I've changed my mind I think we should get engaged.' It will however, make him call the local mental health hospital in order to have you sectioned.

Do remind yourself of his weaknesses. Annoyingly, I fear people have a tendency to fall in love with what we think we want as opposed to what we actually have. Meaning that, the man you are dating/have been dumped by, is not actually the man you thought he was.

News flash; he wasn't as good as you thought he was and by the very fact that you are no longer together, not the man you should be with either.

And finally. Find your knickers, sober up, hold your head up high and move on. Let go of the rage and the anger, fun though it is at the time, it will make you ugly, a look not conducive to being single and fabulous.

Focus on the future and the world you now have at your feet. And if that doesn't work, photocopy a picture of his tiny penis and have it printed onto beer mats to distribute liberally in his local pub.

Revenge will not help you be a better person, but, hell, does it feel good at the time.