The Blog

Five Benefits of Being Middle-Aged

Twenty five minutes into the show, I grabbed the remote control in a frenzy and hit PAUSE. Carrie was straddling her new boyfriend on the armchair and he had his hands up her top and his tongue planted half way down her throat.

It was a typical Saturday night.

We had steak, we had wine and we had the long- awaited new season of Homeland to watch. It was exciting!! We parked up on our reclining chairs, hit play and let the magic happen.

Twenty five minutes into the show, I grabbed the remote control in a frenzy and hit PAUSE. Carrie was straddling her new boyfriend on the armchair and he had his hands up her top and his tongue planted half way down her throat.

"Look Jay!! LOOK!!!", I called out to my husband who was gnawing on a chunk of rare sirloin

"That's what I want!!", I exclaimed. " I want THAT in my life!"

" What?", he replied as he wiped grease from his chin with a sheet of kitchen roll.

"I want that EXACT laminate flooring.....for our bedroom! Doesn't it look lush??".

He agreed that it did.

"But are you sure it's laminate", he queried. "It might be real wood...or engineered oak even and that stuff is really pricey!"

He was right. Engineered oak is pretty expensive, laminate looks just as good. It's durable and much more cost effective and I am so very very...


How did this happen? How have I become the woman that gets riled up over a nice looking piece of flooring on a Saturday night?!

When did I become the woman that knows the difference between textured laminate and engineered oak flooring?!

I realised in that moment that I am officially middle aged!

It's not just the flooring. I get excited by purchasing a new bath mat...I do!! I always look at the labels of the clothes that I buy to check that they are suitable for tumble drying. I do, I can't help it!! I iron underwear and I cook in's just the sensible middle aged thing to do!

But is this so bad?

No, I don't think so. Now that I am fast on the road to 40, I realise that there are actually so many benefits to being middle-aged.

Being middle-aged means:


I no longer feel the need to go out drinking and clubbing or to seek cheap thrills and excitement. I have learnt to appreciate the smaller things in taking my bra off at the end of a taxing day and letting gravity do it's thing .

Indeed, there's no existing pleasure that can compare to this simple act.


Being older inevitably means being wiser and thanks to my middles-aged status, I have learnt that high heels should only be worn to a wedding ceremony and the first ten minutes of the reception. After this, the flats come out and the heels come off.

I almost feel bad for the 20 year olds on stilts suffering with burning balls and crushed toes. Almost.


Being middle-aged also means I have a far more developed imagination and sense of creativity.

Take for example my recent purchase of a Nutribullet:

In an effort to increase my daily intake of fruit and vegetables, I purchased a Nutribullet to make a delicious variety of bright green, super- healthy shakes. My heightened sense of creativity enabled me to be more experimental after a week and I went on to invent some truly delicious gin-based cocktails that were incredibly well received

By week three, I decided to make a feature of this marvellous machine by placing it on the shelf in my kitchen where it can now be admired and adored by visitors as much as the 'Mona Lisa' is at the Louvre.

My creativity knows no bounds


Being middle aged means I have a natural gift for self preservation. I no longer have to push myself to work harder and play harderer (a new word that I just invented as I am so damn creative).

My body is a temple and it knows this now more than ever. There's no need to manually log off and shut it down. It does it all by itself most evenings. Sometimes it even shuts down on the train, or in the pub, or at work. My body's gift for self preservation is admirable.


Being middle-aged means that when I eat a burger, I can visibly see it on my ass the very next day. I am steadily growing a few extra chins too as well as a couple of tyres around my midriff....excellent news!


These extra layers of insulation mean that I can roam around the house in my underwear in the middle of Winter without feeling the cold. The extra hair on my chin and toes and the fabulous monobrow that is developing offer better protection for my aging skin from nature's harsh elements.

With all this extra skin, fat and hair, I can turn the heating off and enjoy seeing a huge reduction in my energy bills!

Thanks to being middle-aged, I may well afford the engineered oak flooring for my bedroom and perhaps a new bath mat!!

Next stop?...B&Q!

This post first appeared on Katy's humour blog

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