I recently had a meltdown. I had been overwhelmed for months about moving house and leaving my hometown. I'm excited to start a new adventure. But everything got a bit too much.
I burst into tears. I have realised my PTSD will stay with me forever.
I realise that no one really understands what it's like to have a mental illness unless they've had one. Loved ones support us but they truly don't understand what it's like being you on a daily basis.
I am not crazy. I just struggle with my emotions now. I struggle in stressful situations.
I'm still me.
When things get too much I struggle to rationalise things and my emotions get the better of me. I cry or walk off. I may say things I don't mean because I can't process things quickly enough. I don't get my opinions across as I'd like.
I have good days where I feel like the old me. Laughing and smiling. Not a care in the world, a worrier but a worrier over small things.
I have bad days where I feel this black cloud hangs over me. I don't want to get out of bed or speak. I want to stay under the covers and hide away. I smile and deep down I'm screaming. I pretend I'm ok just so I don't have to explain why I feel low today. People look at me and think you have a husband, a home and a child, what more do you what?
Why are you depressed?
There's times when someone says a certain thing and I go back to that time where I felt most vulnerable. I don't feel in control. My guard goes up and I say f*ck the world. I become so emotional that I can't speak rationally and I over react because my mind goes back to that day;
When they stripped my dignity away.
When I felt like I had no choice.
When I felt lost and alone.
When I felt paranoid and scared.
When I felt I was ignored like a museum piece, moved around and talked about. Opinions passed around but nobody really appreciating it.
Mental illness affects everyone differently. I have days when I feel I'm over it. I can move on then wham it hits me like a train. Fast and hard.
I wish you could live in my mind on a bad day so you can empathise with me and understand I'm not crazy or irrational. My behaviour is justified. So I don't feel embarrassed or humiliated because I had a meltdown. Just to understand me and except I'm not perfect.
Here I am, good days and bad. I'm still me.
I'm sorry if you feel embarrassed or don't know what to say. Just ask if I'm ok and tell me things will work out. Don't shy away and feel silence is best. It makes me paranoid and upset. I feel like a burden and feel like I've done something wrong. Just sit with me and say, 'hey don't get upset it's a s*it day and tomorrow will be a different day'. Don't walk away, don't feel uncomfortable.
Just stay and say, 'I'm here if you need a chat'
Support and a caring empathetic person is what we need.
Mental health is portrayed badly and portrays people to be crazy. Sometimes people say we need to get on with life and get over it. This is not helpful because it really isn't that simple. Two and a half years on and I'm still struggling somedays.
If only it was that easy to move on and forget, I'd sign up today. Just be patient and be supportive. I understand it from your perspective - it's hard to see someone you know suffer with an illness. One day you see them fine, the next a mess. Never knowing what mood your going to get today. How would you treat someone with a physical illness?
A listening ear
Is all we want.
Treat us the same.
Here are some helpful websites if you wish to look into PTSD & PND. You can have a look at what the illnesses are and speak to a member of the team to ask any question you wish. They are there to support you as well.
If you are a dad suffering with mental health issues after your baby was born or if your partner has PND and you need to talk.
A great support group via Twitter- @thepnddaddy. He holds a support group #pnddaddies on a Monday 7-8pm Uk time.
Or @pndandme via twitter holds a support group on a Wednesday at 8pm uk time. #pndhour