Guilt is such an awful feeling. We all feel guilty at some point in our lives. I feel it everyday when I look at my daughter playing.
I ask myself: Why wasn't I able to be there for her in the beginning? Why did I have to have a traumatic birth? Why do I have a mental illness?
I had IVF to have my daughter because I have PCOS and wasn't able to conceive after trying fertility meds. I previously asked myself in the early days if I was even meant to be a mum? Surely it shouldn't be this hard to get pregnant, continue to have a rough time in my pregnancy and then a traumatic birth? Now I have to deal with a mental illness.
In the early days I said to my counsellor I almost feel like I am being punished for something.
I used to ask my husband over and over again, am I doing ok? Am I a good mother? Would she be better off without me?
Since I started blogging I have come across some amazingly strong people. I realise now I am not alone in this journey and I am not the only person to have had a sh*t birth and deal with a mental illness.
I look at my daughter now and I realise she does love me. She's here today because of me. I feed her, bathe her and put her to bed with a bedtime story or Disney songs. I play tea parties with Elsa and Anna. I make sock puppets and paint pictures with her. We go on adventures together in the park to feed the squirrels and ducks. We have a hot chocolate and secretly, a cake, 'shhh don't tell Daddy!'
I sat and I thought about all the things I do for her on a daily basis. She comes over and gives me cuddles when she's sleepy or wants chocolate.
She gives me kisses and when I'm poorly she pats my back. She tells me 'Mummy it's ok' when she sees me cry and asks 'are you? Me kiss it better?' We have this incredible bond. Sometimes I realise I need take a step back and sit down. To realise that I am a good mum and yes she does deserve a mum like me.
I just need to communicate with her when I'm sad or having a bad day and not push her away.
So to all the mums out there that are wondering, am I doing this right? Am I a good mum? The answer is yes you are.
Don't give up.
You will have bad days and they may seem like they go on forever.
You will feel like you can't go on. You may ask yourself is life worth living. You may cry and you will feel low. You will feel like you want to shut the world out. You will feel guilt and pressure to smile around others. You will feel like you just want to stand in a room and scream I'm not ok.
It's ok. You are worth it. You are amazing and strong. Dealing with a mental illness is hard work and it is both physically and mentally draining.
Be kind to yourself. Take a step back. Your doing brilliantly.
Take a piece of paper and write down the things you do for your child and the things you enjoy doing together. You will soon see that you are amazing and that you do a lot to provide for your child and you have some lovely memories that you have made and future ones that you will continue to make.