I really am trying to make lemonade.
Rob and I are off on a little adventure tomorrow. London. Paris. Norwich. We originally planned to go to Paris last year but decided in the end that we'd rather save the money for when Zip arrives. With everything that happened, we wanted to get away for a bit and couldn't think of a more appropriate place to go. Of course I'm looking forward to it - I'm actually extremely excited! This will be only our second holiday 'just us two' since we got together almost 8 years ago... I don't like calling it a silver lining but we certainly wouldn't be paying this much attention to each other if Beatrice was still with us. Despite this, I can't help think of what I'd rather be doing...
I'd rather be getting excited about how much weight my baby has gained this week and moaning about how little sleep I'm getting and how sore my nipples are. I'd rather be sat at home alone with Beatrice whilst Rob is at work, getting over the fact that she is seven weeks old now! It is crazy how quickly the time has gone. I'd rather have used the money on a naming ceremony. Lemons.
But I do not want to be bitter. I am trying so so hard to get on with things and enjoy myself. I've started reading again; already, I am onto my second book of the year. I had an amazing Spa day with my friends on Saturday and we're starting a book club! Today Rob and I handed over £1905 to the hospital that looked after us so they can fund the purchase of a 'cooling cot' amongst other things. That felt amazing. Without losing Beatrice, that wouldn't have happened and it will help so many people. Lemonade.
I know lots of people who have children and most of them are newborns or recentborns. I see them struggling with sleep deprivation and feeding and can't help but feel a little envious. I really would give anything. Anything. I don't want to steal your baby though. I have no more than the appropriate amount of feelings towards your child but seeing them makes me feel better. I can't help but think that people see me playing happily with their child or holding their baby and worry. All it is, is that the kids have absolutely no idea what has happened to me and it's nice to be treated like nothing is wrong. When we left the hospital, the only thing we knew that we definitely wanted was to see our niece and nephew because they are the only people in the world who always always make us happy. I really am happy for you.
You having your child doesn't upset me; me not having mine is the problem.
I don't want your baby; I want mine back.
I'm jealous of your life being turned upside down. Lemons.
But mine has been too. It means that I get to jet off to London for the weekend and drink cocktails in the afternoon. I get to go to Paris. And I get to completely rebuild my life, shaping it into whatever I want it to be and- although totally daunting and not what I want to be doing- that is really exciting.