When I first started using Tinder, I took it as 'seriously' as other online dating forums, expecting to match and actually date someone. I've since discovered it's actually much more fun to treat the app like a dating Gogglebox due to the myriad ways in which people present themselves as potential mates.
Here are my Top Ten Tinder Treats here, in case you're not on there yet and need to know what you're missing out on.
1. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Manhood
Posing with drugged tigers seems to be the order of the day for many men on Tinder. Grinning inanely next to a big cat appears to have become the tenties version of posing next to a Lamborghini. If it's representative of associated virility, do men really think we want to know their manhood is sedated, limp and out of action? They clearly haven't thought this through.
A few guys have told me that girls often pose dressed as cats in their profile pics, presumably in their sexy Halloween costumes from last year. What is this obsession with cats? Are they latent representations of our sexuality? See also: cougars.
2. The Other Women
Hilariously, some men thing it's a good idea to show how successful they are with women by posing with one or more in every single profile picture. Sometimes it's bikini'd women on a Balearic holiday, sometimes a 'celebrity' from Towie, but sometimes it's clearly an ex-girlfriend. Hell, sometimes it's clearly a picture from his wedding day. My favourite, however, is when you can see that they've cropped their ex just out of the picture. Not cool, guys. How difficult is it to take a selfie?!
3. Slim Shady
Guys who never take their shades off. Sorry, but most people look much better in shades. Dead giveaway for a horror story underneath. Often, there's a helpful non-shades pic nestled in there that reveals the truth. My rule of thumb is that guys (and probably girls) always ALWAYS look like their worst picture.
4. Which One Are You?
So, you're wearing shades in all your pics, and you decide that only posing in group shots is the way forward. Drinking games, team sports, stag dos - all of these scenarios appear in your profile pics and we can't tell WHICH ONE YOU ARE. And you're always the least-hot one, aren't you?
5. So What Are You Looking For?
I'm always asked this by guys, as though I have some grand master plan complete with a Matrix-style home computer where I work out the logistics of hooking in my perfect mate. What they actually mean is, 'are you up for casual sex?' but they can't bring themselves to say it. I'm not 'looking for' anything in particular, love - if anything, it's probably the same thing as you.
6. Fun Times
Guys - stop saying 'fun' when you mean sex. When you suggest 'fun' to me, I picture getting on the waltzers at a fair with candy floss in my hand, attending a party dressed as a drag queen, or playing a word-based board game. Whole different thing.
7. Cock and Bull
Ah, the classic cock shots. Usually presented alongside the downwards torso shot and maybe a cheeky bum one to complete the set. All headless, obvs. I always swipe left, but not before having a good look and a laugh.
8. Couples Competition
I just love it when I see a guy on there whom I know is in a relationship but is playing that couples game of how many matches they can get. A very, VERY dangerous game to play, my friends.
9. Athena Man, Invisible Man and Lying Man
Athena Man - the guy who presents himself topless, holding either a cute puppy or a baby. Seriously?! Gone already. Invisible Man - the guy who can't even be bothered to upload a picture of himself? That's special. Lying Man - the man who is obviously 56 but is pretending to be 34? We can tell. We can also look you up on Google, Mr Celebrity Person.
But the real, ultimate test of whether a guy is ok is his ability to write messages without resorting to 'ur' or 'do ya wanner meet up?' This results in instant deletion for me. You might look like David Gandy on the beach in Thailand but if you can't spell or form a sentence you just don't cut it.
So, still interested in joining Tinder? Honestly - it's worth it just for the laughs.
First published by Lisa Edwards at: http://becauseicanblog.com/2014/10/12/tinder-is-the-night/