Imagine you are at a basketball game. Both teams have their strong players but also there are quite a few weaker ones amongst the players. Team A is slightly ahead and stronger in general and have scored 2 extra goals but just as the spectators think they might have a winner, along come Team B, also a strong team, who shoot in that surprise extra goal. They are competitive and as soon as one team gets somewhere, no doubt the other team will catch up but for the moment, it can usually be predicted which team wins ...
That basketball game takes place in my mind every day. Yet the agonizing thing is, this match doesn't end after 48 minutes like a regular NBA basketball game. The ball keeps being thrown forwards and backwards, forwards and backwards and it just doesn't stop.
Team A represents my eating disorder. It is extremely strong and 'wins' a lot of 'goals'. Team B represents my health, my rational part of mind. This can also be strong but often it just can't reach the strength that Team A manages to. A constantly runs faster across the court, pushes B out of the way, and thrives on her success. A is very 'cliquey' as if like a group of immature 12 year old girls at school who egg each other on to make sure they stay on top of the game. Although B is significantly more intelligent and sound, it just can't seem to win ...
This relentless and exhausting match has yet to end. The whistle has not been blown. Even though I despise all the things I have had to go through that accompany this struggle, it just doesn't seem to be enough for me to finally say goodbye. Not just yet. One would think that fainting in public with scars to prove it, or the never-ending draining fatigue that encompasses me or maybe even the liters of 'Ensure', I have had to consume whilst in hospital. (Ensure for those of you that don't know, is a vile milkshake-style drink that one is forced to drink if your meal is not completed. I don't recommend it.) I am even sick of the deception I have to go through. The packets of sweetener I have hidden up my sleeves (this was banned in hospital) to the countless items of food I have 'discreetly' dropped on the floor or poured drinks 'accidentally' down the table leg. I could list countless things that might finally give me the push to health, but for some reason that small unhealthy part of my brain, is still the team on top and manages to conquer it day after day.
As I said in my last post, my journey does continue. This time, to thousands of miles across the globe, to a treatment centre, that is supposedly one of a kind. I hope they train Team B up and manage to exercise its winning streak for once! I know it's in there somewhere!
Useful websites and helplines:
Beat, call 0845 634 7650 or email firstname.lastname@example.org
Samaritans, open 24 hours a day, on 08457 90 90 90
Mind, open Monday to Friday, 9am-6pm on 0300 123 3393