27/01/2016 12:49 GMT | Updated 27/01/2017 05:12 GMT

Slogans for World War Terrible Twos

Do you ever feel like you're engaged in toddler warfare? World War Terrible Twos? Help is at hand.

In a war, you need slogans. For public safety and morale, and all that jazz. Now, of course, in this war, no one has time to be coming up with slogans, because... caring for/restraining toddlers here. Fortunately, there is no need to create our own. Many years ago there was a little toddler tyrant who failed to grow out of the terrible twos, leading to Churchill's government kindly generating a slew of war slogans that can be conveniently amended to address the toddler threat.


Parents of Britain, here are World War Two propaganda slogans tweaked a little to get you through World War Terrible Twos.


1. Careless talk costs lives (You never know who's listening)

Repetitive talk* costs time. So much time. (Absolutely no one's listening.)

(*'Where's Daddy gone? Where's Daddy gone? Where's Daddy gone? Where's cat gone?')


2. Dig for Victory

Dig for your keys/phone/other vitally important items. In the sandpit/garden/Lego/poo (if you really lucked out).


3. Put that light OUT

Put that cat DOWN!


4. Coughs and sneezes spread diseases

Coughs and sneezes and toddlers spread diseases


5. Up housewives and at 'em

Up parents and at 'em...it's 4am!


6. V for Victory

'V for...bus!'

'Yes, it looks a bit like a bus, doesn't it? But it's a van. It's like a big car. Van. V for...'



7. Mothers, send them out of London

Mothers, send them out of this restaurant. Janet Street Porter is trying to eat, and she doesn't want to see your children.


8. Fighting Fit

Fighting bedtime, mealtimes, siblings, parents, coats, the cat.


9. Furtive Fritz is always listening: be careful what you say

Furtive toddler is always listening: be careful what you say. That word will be repeated. In the library. Or to the Health Visitor.


10. Women of Britain: come into the factories

Parents of Britain: come into the soft play.


11. Your country needs YOU

Your toddler needs you to give them biscuits. NOW.


12. We beat 'em before, we'll do it again

We put jam on the cat before, we'll do it again.


13. Look out in the blackout

'Look out The Baby is right in front of you! No, right there! Right th...Yes, she's crying. You stood on her.'


14. Keep calm and carry on

Keep calm and carry raisins.


15. Make do and mend

Make tea and cry.



Finally, Parents of Britain, remember: always be alert...your toddler is in the sudocrem.