17/10/2013 08:59 BST | Updated 23/01/2014 18:58 GMT

News Punch: Raining Diamonds - Branson's Island

If the divide between rich and poor needed to be brought sharply into focus any more than it already is, then Richard Branson feeling hard done by about receiving criticism over his Virgin Island home maybe, possibly being a tax haven - which it isn't, because he told everyone so - sharpens that focus like a magnifying lens on an ant who's fallen on hard times.

This divide is so colossal now that the richest are divorced from reality; owning an island is a simple lifestyle choice to them, like deciding to have decking in the garden. Next they'll be holidaying on the Moon and wearing diamond encrusted tiaras from Saturn.

Wait, that last bit might be true...

It's punchline time.

It's raining diamonds on Saturn and Jupiter...

@GI1970: ...rejected Weather Girls lyrics discovered.

@AnneMac10: ...I'll probably wait until it starts raining men before I get excited.

@FemmeDomestique: ...and everyone moans when it kills the disco faster than a break for the buffet.

A real disco theme there. Weather report now:

It's raining diamonds on Saturn and Jupiter...

@BadScentsHumour: ...Michael Fish announces. Friends insist he goes to AA.

@KitKant: ...Sapphire no one has figured a way to get to them, and amethyst off about it!

There were variations on a theme from @LoosiJoosi and @1970RobD, but first past the post was @Headfirst_Dom with:

It's raining diamonds on Saturn and Jupiter. But the weather is shit on Uranus.

Next up, @Charisma_Effect with:

It's raining diamonds on Saturn and Jupiter, the Queen's two favourite corgis. 'Why couldn't she have bought normal dog treats for us, these ones are inedible' Woofs Jupiter.

@Rejunevated had this:

It's raining diamonds on Saturn and Jupiter. It's the perfect place for them; they already have the rings & the suns will do the setting.

But the winner is...


It's raining diamonds on Saturn and Jupiter, who are admittedly the two fittest pole dancers we have working here.

Anna Fischer / Foter / CC BY-NC-ND

Unfortunately for Richard Branson and other squillionaires, the rest of the Solar System is uninhabitable otherwise they'd certainly be buying huge chunks of it up.

Branson says his island's not a tax haven...

@GI1970:'s merely a missile launch site from where he will hold the world to ransom. Evil super villain? Yes. Tax dodger? Never!

@I_Am_Lukem: He explains that it's actually spelt, 'heaven'.

@FemmeDomestique: ...He's built a run down council estate, kebab shop, Poundstretcher and three crack dens on the island to remind him of Blighty.

Branson likes to think of himself as a down-to-earth guy despite all his riches...

@AnnMac10: ... but I think that he's Virgin on the ridiculous.

And now, the caption competition. Madonna had been banned from a chain of cinemas for texting through movies. There were some excellent entries for this, and it was harder than ever to pick a winner but for his extra effort, this week the honour goes to @KitKant for this:


The other brilliant entries were: @GI1970, @AdamLeedham, @FiatPanda, @FemmeDomestique, @JayTuvz, @catfink1664, @Diversion50

More News Punch soon.

*Some tweets have been edited to suit the article or to correct errors etc. Original tweets can be viewed by clicking on the @ names.

Madonna Photo credit: sara | b. / Foter / CC BY-NC-ND