19/03/2014 08:28 GMT | Updated 19/05/2014 06:59 BST

Give Scotland Back to the Scottish

Ever met a nice Scotsman? Me neither. I mean Armando Iannucci, Lou Macari and Wattie out of Exploited (get well soon) seem okay, though I wouldn't want to live next door to any of them, but the rest? Buckfast-slurping, sheep-stomach-scoffing, heart-attack-having, currency-stealing cry-babies.

I jest, of course. I wouldn't mind having Armando, Lou, Wattie or indeed most other Scots folk living next door. In fact - that's what they do, isn't it? They live next door, our slightly more emotive, less rational neighbours - except their house is a bit draughty and they keep popping in to borrow a tenner till giro-day. Or as they call it in Calton: brew day.

For reasons I'm unable to understand, everyone from David Bowie to George Galloway wants Scotland to remain locked in eternal wedlock with England. Or is it Britain? I'm not sure anymore. What about Wales? Where do the Irish figure in all of this? What is it about these crazy islands that we retain different football teams yet compete under one banner at the Olympics, cheer on Andy Murray if we're English and boo Tim Henman if we're anyone, allow Berwick to play in the Scottish league and invite Celtic to play in the Premiership? What is the name of this disunited kingdom, these schizo isles divided by a common anguish?

The main reason I want Scotland to become fully independent is simple: I like simple. On forms I always say I'm English - not "British" or "UK" but English, the country I was born. I have nothing in common with peope born in Scotland - not even language. I struggle to think of a single way in which my life would be made worse by allowing (apologies for the patronising word) the Scots to float vaguely off towards their Scandinavian roots, their sacred destiny.

There's no need to scare the Scots with tales of how education will suffer, security will suffer and that if they secede we'll send back Michael McIntyre. I don't care if the Union flag is redesigned, the Queen has to flash her passport to get up to Balmoral and nuclear subs have to dock beneath the Commons terrace; I don't even care if we have to pay the Scots to extract "their" dwindling oil using "our" pipes (of steel manufactured who knows where) - I'm an internationalist. Let each country, if it wishes, go it alone whether they be Scotland, Ireland, Wales, Catalunya or the Western Ukraine. Abolish the EU and build a WU - a world union of independent, co-existing, co-dependent, nations.

Just think: no more Robbie Burns, no more Scottish football results, no Scotch eggs or weird poond-notes, and best of all: no bagpipes. Away ye go, lads, with our best wishes. Vote "yes" on 18 September: because anything else would be voting for a negative. Which would be - as I believe the term goes - "radge".