There's a massive billboard in the Bank underground of that kid who played Gilbert Grape lovingly looking into the eyes of the naughty nun from The Extras. Which can only mean one thing; Celine Dion is looking good for some royalties.
As the Queen drops 20 quid into a card marking the Titanic's 100 years, James Cameron's epic is flooding back into theatres for a whole new generation of enjoy.
Ah. But here be a problem. (Why has no one done a pirate parody of Titanic?)
Today's youth, with their penchant for sodomising the English language into single syllables, acronyms and initialisms, doesn't want to spend three hours waiting for the boat to sink (even if Kate Winslet's necklace is in 3D).
So it got me thinking; what would the story have been like on Twitter?
Jack Dawson @Growing_Pains
Pfft Queens. Full house FTW! #comingtoamerica
Tommy Ryan @I_heart_Spaghetti
My meatballs are tingling! #comingtoamerica
Eddie Murphy @delirious
Those were the days #comingtoamerica
Jack Dawson @Growing_Pains
Haha. What happened to you, man? LOL RT: @delirious Those were the days #comingtoamerica
Rose DeWitt Bukater @DoubleD_Witt
Hmmm, I don't think the Titanic has enough lifeboats if it randomly hits something in the ocean and begins to sink
Cal Hockley @The¬_Phantom
@DoubleD_Witt This is why women aren't allowed to learn long division #menwhodrinkbrandyareawesome
Bruce Ismay @Heres_to_the_men
@The_Phantom Here Here! Moustache! Fiduciary! Testicles! #menwhodrinkbrandyareawesome
Thomas Andrews @Just_shippin
@DoubleD_Witt Whatevs. I have blueprints. If you were a man, you'd know nothing goes wrong when you have blueprints
Rose DeWitt Bukater @DoubleD_Witt
@Just_shippin But what about a head on collision?
Thomas Andrews @Just_shippin
LMFAO RT: @Just_shippin But what about a head on collision?
Cal Hockley @The¬_Phantom
@Just_shippin I here ya barking big dog #menwhodrinkbrandyareawesome
Bruce Ismay @Heres_to_the_men
@Just_shippin @The_Phantom Our chromosomes will protect us! #menwhodrinkbrandyareawesome
Rose DeWitt Bukater @DoubleD_Witt
@Just_shippin What about from the side?
Thomas Andrews @Just_shippin
@ DoubleD_Witt Hahahahahaha Whatevs.
Jack Dawson @Growing_Pains
I'm the king of the world! #onaboatlikeleo
Rose DeWitt Bukater @DoubleD_Witt
This boat is shit.
Thomas Andrews @Just_shippin
@DoubleD_Witt YOU ARE! #LegaliseMarriageToAquaticMachinery
Jack Dawson @Growing_Pains
Just saved a hottie from going over board. Thinking I might take her below deck. If you know what I mean.
Tommy Ryan @I_heart_Spaghetti
@Growing_Pains Immigrant 'so you think you can dance'? Is that what you mean?
Jack Dawson @Growing_Pains
@I_heart_Spaghetti LOL yeah, sure #nothingcouldtearusapart
Rose DeWitt Bukater @DoubleD_Witt
@Growing_Pains Draw me like I'm French
James Cameron @3D3D3D3D3D3D
@DoubleD_Witt Jesus CUT! It's 'DRAW ME LIKE ONE OF YOUR FRENCH GIRLS'
Rose getting her lines right #unobtanium
Jack Dawson @Growing_Pains
@3D3D3D3D3D3D unobtanium? Now your just making stuff up.
Rose DeWitt Bukater @DoubleD_Witt
@Growing_Pains Pencil me like France
James Cameron @3D3D3D3D3D3D
@DoubleD_Witt Are you kidding me? #shoudhavegotsigourney
Jack Dawson @Growing_Pains
@DoubleD_Witt I'm thinking mixed-media impressionist potato stamping
Rose DeWitt Bukater @DoubleD_Witt
@Growing_Pains Draw me like one of your French girls #dontfearthebush
James Cameron @3D3D3D3D3D3D
@DoubleD_Witt Farking Finally!
Jack Dawson @Growing_Pains
Oh snap. I see London, I see France! Those are niiiiiiiiccce. http://tinyurl.com/7nzefe5
Cal Hockley @The¬_Phantom
@DoubleD_Witt WTF? http://tinyurl.com/7nzefe5
Rose DeWitt Bukater @DoubleD_Witt
@The_Phantom Ummm, I've met someone soz
Cal Hockley @The¬_Phantom
@DoubleD_Witt if this has anything to do with the stain in my car, I'm not going to be happy
Jack Dawson @Growing_Pains
@The_Phantom haha sorry bro.
Federick Fleet @on_the_lookout
@ParisHilton Your video keeps me warm in the crows nest
Federick Fleet @on_the_lookout
The fuck is that?
First Officer William Murdoch @alwaysthebridesmaid
@on_the_lookout Cripes Fred, keep it wrapped would you?
Federick Fleet @on_the_lookout
@alwaysthebridesmaid Left! Turn left!
Derek Zoolander @orangemochafrappecino
@on_the_lookout If only...
Ice Berg @TheBigChill
Chillin like a villain
Titanic @UnsinkableMOFO
Ouch! WTF was that?
Ice Berg @TheBigChill
@UnsinkableMOFO Soz bro. You got heaps of lifeboats though, right?
Titanic @UnsinkableMOFO
@TheBigChill I knew that was gonna come up
Captain Edward John Smith @Down_with_the_ship
Scotch scotch scotch scotch scotch
Titanic @UnsinkableMOFO
I think I just threw my back out #snappedlikeatwig
James Cameron @3D3D3D3D3D3D
@UnsinkableMOFO Money shot! #bluealiens
Jack Dawson @Growing_Pains
@DoubleD_Witt Are you cold?
Rose DeWitt Bukater @DoubleD_Witt
@Growing_Pains Nah, not reals
Jack Dawson @Growing_Pains
@DoubleD_Witt Reckon I can get a spot on whatever you're floating on?
Rose DeWitt Bukater @DoubleD_Witt
@Growing_Pains Don't forget me Rose
Jack Dawson @Growing_Pains
@DoubleD_Witt That's my line
Rose DeWitt Bukater @DoubleD_Witt
@Growing_Pains Jack, teach me how to swallow like a man
Jack Dawson @Growing_Pains
@DoubleD_Witt (inaudible drowning) #bitchesbecrazy
Celine Dion @lalalalalalala
My heart will gon ananananand oonnnnnnnnnn!
Terrence&Philip @ BarkBarkPurrPurr
@lalalalalalala STFU! You ruined Canada, uncle f*cker!
Pretty sure that's how it went. Could be different in 3D though.