24/06/2013 10:00 BST | Updated 22/08/2013 06:12 BST

Big Brother - Week 1 Recap

Last week I may have been slightly brutal on Big Brothers launch, but can you blame me? Splitting the launch night in two parts was a BAD idea. It meant that of course the producers would select the weaker bunch of contestants to enter on the first night, giving every single viewer hope that someone decent would walk through those doors on the second night, but of course Big Brother wouldn't do that for us! I highly doubt those viewers tuned in on the second night anyway.

Aside from losing two of the top housemates on Friday night, the show has been ever so dramatic throughout this week. We've seen the spoilt brat Gina clearly forget that she's on TV and kick off so badly that she was issued a warning within the first six hours of her stay - Nice! Jemima has continued to make herself look more like a twat at every opportunity, opening the door for Dan to literally dig her out at any chance he's had - even I sit there and predictably wait for him to wipe the floor with her as soon as she opens her mouth. Finally, could it be any worse for Dexter, knowing that nobody gives a shit about a word he has to say?

The biggest highlight of my week was prior to Friday night's eviction, seeing Michael take part in his secret task and represent the viewers of the public in attributing notorious labels to everyone of his housemates. I assume any committed viewer is still unable to forget the wet-themselves type of funny reaction of Wolfy, who had to experience the misfortune of being dubbed the "least attractive" as well as "least hygienic". Was it just coincidence that she ran to the bathroom (of all places) immediately afterwards? Fortunately for her, it was later revealed that it was NOT Michael's opinion of her, but in fact the shows (embarrassingly low 1.5m) viewers who had voted. Hopefully the fact it was not Michael, but instead Big Brother's entire online community was a little more reassuring for her. I won't lie, but from witnessing her reaction and disposition, I'm still praying the producers do something to ensure she does not commit suicide in the next few days.

To sum up, the majority of the housemates have already proven themselves as brainless, idiotic and undignified human beings. Gina's fake laugh almost causes me to punch the screen every time I see her generate further wrinkles in her face every ten seconds, Dan is arguing with whoever he can, Jemina will be evicted next Friday, the mole's gone, and someone should have shot Sallie after her eviction interview. As for the glamour model, well who would have expected her to have a personality anyway? I have no doubt her breasts will carry her into the last few weeks. Also, it appears the majority of viewers have forgotten about Daley and Sam. Just to let you know I had to actually visit Big Brothers website to remind myself of their names, but then I also found out there was another housemate called Sophie...?