26/12/2011 07:30 GMT | Updated 25/02/2012 05:12 GMT

Private Christmas Letter to David Cameron: Happy Christmas, Doll, You've Made Us Proud

Dear David (none of your close friends call you 'Dave', do they?)

Dear David (none of your close friends call you 'Dave', do they?),

Well, honey, we are all immensely proud of what you did at the European summit and the strategy I recommended seems to be the one you pursued. At the very least, insults from the French president have confirmed you did something right. 59% of the country wants a referendum by at least the end of the next parliament. Just 25% say 'no'. Who are they? Not your people.

According to the same poll , 40% would now vote Tory. A year and a half into the job and you're spiking in popularity? What U.S. president enjoys that kind of boost that long into the job?

Look, as an American, I can assure you that after the work you've done this year, we'd scream, 'You go!'. What's the best you could expect from your own countrymen? Probably just, 'Well done, sir', but I assure you, they are trying to express the same feeling. If only the English could whoop.

Now on to the serious business. Why postpone a referendum any longer? Come on, we all know the time has come, and for once the wind of popular opinion is strongly blowing the right way. Sure, you never wanted to offend the Europeans or undermine the euro when you were standing to be PM, but don't overestimate the esteem the British have for their European 'friends' (i.e. virtually nil). And after the last round of negotiations, we're in an historic position to redefine our relationship with Europe. Plus, the people want a say. You're riding a wave, sweetie, and think of your legacy! Your party, and the rest of this great nation will always remember you.

Though we speak often, I'd like to put a few other concerns on the record. Let's start with rubbish. Literally. Do you know how many domestics are started over dreaded weekend trips to the tip? I'm sure you and Sam don't argue over this, but it's a problem, trust me. How about finding some clever bods at the Treasury to work out an obscene figure for the economic cost of this? Weekly bin collections should be mandatory across the UK. If in doubt, why not just make recycling compulsive as a concession to concerned environmentalists?

The main issue for the vast majority of parents in this country is education. More incentives for free schools across urban England are needed, but don't forget the silent petrified middle class who is sick to death about worrying about how many feet they are from the best catchment. (Sorry, I meant metres...unless we can offload those EU edicts!) Not only that, but class sizes of 30 are far too large for children to be getting the invidividual attention they need to excel. What can you do?

Last but not least, it's time to talk messaging. Everyone is tired of hearing about the 'vulnerable' when it seems those are the people receiving all the benefits of the social system. The latest British Social Attitudes survey confirmed what people are thinking. 54% of people think that unemployment benefits are too high and only 35% of people think the Government should redestribute more wealth to solve income inequality.

Wait, before I am misunderstood, there is a huge commitment to social giving here across all classes, and everyone knows there's always someone less fortunate than themselves, so mustn't complain. Problem is, the silent majority still wonders if you care about them when they are working so hard to make ends meet. Tell them exactly how you plan to help them.

And the 'Big Society'? Forget it. No one knows what it means exactly, but it's always had a distinct waft that we're about to be landed with more responsibilities to solve social problems -- not a winner when many have their own worries to contend with during the recession.

Let's hope you and George can build on the momentum you achieved in 2011. 2012 could be a fantastic year to continue to restore the county's financial security and restore Britain's standing in the world. Go for it, as your enthusiastic 'best friends' in America say!

Enjoy the holidays with your gorgeous family. By the way, would it be too audacious to ask for a tax cut for Christmas?

Sincerely yours,