01/09/2016 11:41 BST | Updated 31/08/2017 06:12 BST

How To Talk To A Woman When She's Wearing Boxing Gloves

These days, many women walk the streets wearing boxing gloves and making windmills with their arms. But as any lifestyle guru will tell you, aggressive rotating air-punches are 2016's 'come hither' finger. So if you want to take a chance on that woman furiously pounding the space in front of her like a vengeful Catherine Wheel, here's what you have to do.

Don't be afraid to run over and stand right in front of her. This may mean taking a blow or two but it will almost certainly stop her in her tracks. If the punching continues to rain down on your face and shoulders, this means she is open to a dialogue. If she wasn't interested, she would have pushed on forward and stomped all over your body similar to when a monster truck drives over a row of cars.

However, should the constant pummelling of your upper body show no signs of abating, wave your hand in her direct line of vision so she can't ignore it. When she looks at you, point at her boxing gloves and say 'take your boxing gloves off a minute'. Some girls will be hesitant to do so at first because they're shy or excited about what is happening. In fact, they may be so shy that they'll try to bust your lip open. But this is all part of the merry dance we call dating.

It will help at this point to acknowledge the awkwardness of the situation which is a proven method towards alleviating tension. Perhaps point to a place where you're bleeding and say 'wow you really got me there!' which will almost certainly break the ice.

Then launch into your opener: 'Hey - I know it's not normal for a man to stand directly in front of a woman wearing boxing gloves making windmills with her arms but I saw you and thought "wow she's a cutie, I just have to say h-"' Now at this point she will undoubtedly bring her gloved fists back down onto your nose and jaw for a second round of circular beating. In between blows, ask her for her name. If she continues thumping your face, seemingly trying repeatedly to fracture your nose, it means she is in a hurry but that she'd love to continue this later over a coffee.

An important thing to remember in this scenario is to remain calm and confident. Women love a confident man and if you start to show a little anxiety or nervousness or perhaps even break down and cry because one of her punches spanked your Aviators clean off your face and into the road, you'll only succeed in turning her off.

Don't be fooled by her undiscriminating violence. A favourite test of women is throwing out ferocious, vertical punches just to see how the guy reacts. They want to know what he'll do next. It's just a game to them. Rise to it! They'll appreciate you even more.

Conversationally, try to find common ground between asking overly personal questions and boring chit-chat. Having been interrupted, the girl will expect you to win her over with your charm so it's important to remain engaging whilst being horribly beaten and bruised by her unrelenting fists of rage which are leading you to believe her gloves may have been illegally modified to cause greater damage.

By now you're probably on the pavement, writhing about in intense pain, you may even require medical assistance, so start flirting now before you run out of time. Let her know you're interested in her sexually without making it too obvious. If she has knelt down to continue the sickening pasting of your broken body, you could perhaps joke that it takes at least three dates before the girl gets you on your back! Women love a quick wit.

If you are taken away in an ambulance, it won't hurt to say to the woman 'wanna come with?' and wink at her suggestively. If she strides off in the other direction, resuming her distressing, hostile windmills, expect a winking emoji on your phone a few hours later!

You're very welcome.