30/07/2013 13:37 BST | Updated 29/09/2013 06:12 BST

Illegal Immigrant Vans Are Not a Good Idea - But They Could Be

A spokesman for the prime minister said on Monday that the two advertising vans navigating their way through the capital like litigious Pac-Mans, demanding illegal immigrants to 'Go home or face arrest' were "working" and attracting "a great deal of interest", though it is unclear how he came to this conclusion as no data was collected.

Therefore, based on the positive feedback of no one because no one was asked, there is talk of the campaign spreading nationwide. "Illegals are everywhere in the UK, drinking our tea and watching our repeats of Miranda," the spokesman said. "Illegals need to know there's nowhere to hide anymore. We have vans now. Impolite vans." If this is the case, an alteration needs to be implemented to ensure these vans sustain the enormous though unrecorded and largely fictional success of the campaign in London.

The one problem with the campaign as it stands now is the rhetoric. 'Go home' has to be dropped for something less reminiscent of the previous, abhorrent and bigoted incarnations of the Conservative Party - who actively encouraged social division - and replaced by a different phrase that reflects the current incarnation of the Conservative Party who are now only sporadically bigoted for the modern world.

The idea of illegal immigrant vans is the sort of initiative Ukip would implement. One can imagine Nigel Farage sat on the floor of his living room, drawing one of these vehicles with a big souvenir shop pencil, his strained smile widening as if he were trying to open a jar of pickled onions. Therefore, every so often, the Conservatives need to appease their section of fiercely right-wing/Kent-based voters by matching Ukip's potty thought-burps at specific points in the political calendar.

Of course, it's very easy for the David Cameron to climb up into the attic, move the board games and the big winter coats to one side, blow the dust off the old Tory dogma and give it a quick spin round the media outlets during the summer. However, they must reduce the aggression in their message otherwise it will lead to reactionary blog posts in the Huffington Post by irritating, self-serving liberals with bad hair.

My suggestion for a more catchy and pithy message would be 'Living Here Illegally? Not On Your Nelly!' It's an upbeat slogan but resolute. 'Not on your Nelly' is also a quintessentially British and meaningless phrase that will keep the malcontents from joining Farageband while at the same time bewildering ethnic minorities and forcing them to question how they could possibly live in a country if they don't know all of its redundant idioms. Plus charming expressions do not cause liberal media storms.

Adopting this slogan nationwide will help the Conservative Party juggle their ideological balls with more assuredness, leading to a greater misunderstanding of the immigration issue (always helpful when in power) and a more concrete campaign for which the prime minister's spokesman might actually possess information and facts.

A sketch by Michael Spicer