Custody, Marital Collapse and Coercion: Parental 'brainwashing' On The Rise

Bitter, dramatic break-ups seem to hold a fascination for those who both write and read the newspapers.

Bitter, dramatic break-ups seem to hold a fascination for those who both write and read the newspapers.

Even those who are not devotees of the gossip columns or the law reports can often find themselves drawn to coverage of relationships which fall apart in spectacular fashion.

However, as strange as it may seem for a Family lawyer to say, such instances are thankfully the exceptions and not the rule.

Yes, divorce may be on the increase once more (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/sex/divorce/8942912/Divorces-rise-for-first-time-since-2003.html) but couples who separate, whether married or not, often do so in an amicable manner.

As Abba once sang, "breaking up is never easy" but those who succeed in ending relationships without rancour appear to find the entire process less traumatic than those who contest every single detail.

Emotional restraint is even more important where there are children involved. According to Resolution, the body which represents family lawyers across England and Wales, some 240,000 children in the UK experience the separation of their parents each year (http://www.resolution.org.uk/editorial.asp?page_id=182).

More than 90 per cent of the cases handled by myself and my colleagues in Pannone's Family team involve separated couples who have children. We always emphasise to parents that the interests and welfare of their children should be paramount.

There are those couples, though, whose separations become so acrimonious that children simply get caught in the crossfire. Earlier this year, you may recall, one of my colleagues, Louise Halford, reported how parents are using gifts of new technology to children as a means of spying on their former partners (https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/louise-halford/family-relations-strained-by-mobile-technology_b_1565131.html).

Children are also drawn into their parents' disputes in involved in less subtle ways. We are seeing an increasing number of cases featuring allegations that one parent is trying to alienate the other by turning their children against them.

In some cases, they have been accused of using inducements, such as holidays, computer games, sweets and mobile 'phones, in an attempt to get children on their side. On other occasions, it has been claimed that they have referred to their exes in negative fashion in front of children.

It is not just about a separated parent letting off steam. Such behaviour has very real and sometimes heartbreaking consequences.

Courts dealing with matters relating to where children will live after their parents break up have a duty to consider the wishes and feelings of the children concerned.

Parents will often appreciate how their children's wishes could be a key factor and, sadly, an increasing number are resorting to pressurising children in order to get a decision in their favour. In some cases that I've been involved in, that kind of duress has been described quite bluntly as "brainwashing".

As a result, you find children voicing strong negative feelings about one particular parent. The views of older children carry particular weight in court because they are considered more capable of deciding things for themselves.

However, the opinions of younger children are also relevant and, it seems, they can be especially vulnerable to attempts to sway them.

Such efforts may well have been a factor in previous years but we have noticed a particular rise in the frequency with which these claims are being made recently.

There are obvious effects for the long-term health of relations between both parents and their children but parents themselves can suffer if they choose to adopt such a high-risk strategy.

The courts have become more and more aware of what has been termed "parental alienation". In some of the more serious cases, parents who have been found to have orchestrated complaints by children about their former partners have actually seen that partner granted custody or residence as a result.

It is an unhappy state of affairs for parents and children alike. Even though it may appear impossible to maintain totally happy families when break-ups happen, trying to work out how to make a separation or divorce as painless as possible for any children involved is well worth the effort.

It could well be something that you - and they - are immensely grateful for in the future.

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