30/07/2015 14:15 BST | Updated 30/07/2016 06:59 BST

9 Thoughts You Have When Some Numbskull Sends You A Nude Pic On Twitter

Today something happened. Something which I need to get off my chest.

The event is quite difficult to revisit without a bit of bile building up in my throat because, well, it's just pretty darn disgusting. And the image has been burnt onto the insides of my eyelids for eternity.

Basically, I got sent a nude pic of some guy - front facing (you get the idea) - via the usually oh-so-tame social networking site, Twitter. And to say it was completely unexpected would be an understatement.

Here's how it went down... I'd just begun to prep a lovely heartwarming feature, biscuit in hand, when I saw that I had a notification from a mysterious 'Big Dave'.

I clicked to see what this Big Dave chap had to say and, hey presto, I'm confronted by a picture of a guy with giant balls and a tiny weiner, stepping out of the shower in a horror film-style bathroom and - this really takes the piss - he's asking me to "rate him".

Here's what went through my mind at that exact moment.

1. Uncertainty

"Is that a naked man nestled in among my recent notifications?"

2. Realisation


3. Curiosity

"Why is this man naked? Who is he? Do I know him?"

4. Disgust

"His downstairs area looks like a birds nest. Wait a second, this isn't even a selfie. Who on EARTH is taking this picture?!"

5. Hysterics

"This is the most ridiculous thing that's happened this week. Oh you fool."

6. Outrage

"How dare he send me a naked picture and ask me to rate him. Who does he think he is? What a twat!"

7. Being Borderline 'About To Puke'

"This is really gross."

8. Over It (And Pretty Sassy Right Now)

"I'm mature, I can deal with this, I just need to report this image and be done with it."

9. Ready For Revenge

"I'm going to leave this now. But not before I write a blog post about the bastard."

Who knew you could feel so many things in such a short space of time?

Big Dave, whoever you are or wherever you may be, you get a 0/10. Now put your penis away, redecorate your bathroom and leave us women alone.