There is no dress rehearsal for grief. As a dog happily buries a bone, my mind concealed the trauma of sudden bereavement. It wrapped the details in that oh so satisfying to pop bubble wrap and then deftly popped up a flat packed cardboard box, secured it with a liberal application of fragile tape, to be shelved somewhere at the back of my mind with the VHS tapes marked 'DO NOT TAPE OVER'.
October marks Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month - a time to grieve the babies who we lost and to raise awareness to let the one in four women know that they are not alone in their pain.
October is International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, so I thought I'd open up about my miscarriage, with a focus on the things that helped me survive it. First of all, let me clarify the title, I am not grateful for my miscarriage, however, I was able to find points of gratitude within it. Let me explain my story...
Approximately 700 babies are lost each day in the UK during pregnancy, at birth or in infancy, yet baby loss remains a secretive and deeply traumatic experience for parents. For men, however, the level of support they receive has been severely lacking.
I know society expects me to be completely over the miscarriages now. I have my longed for family and I should just move on with my life. And in many ways that's true. I am overwhelmingly blessed to have a beautiful family that I adore. It was a fight to get here. But it was worth it.
Dear Baby, Today could have been your fourth birthday. Today your daddy and I could have been singing Happy Birthday to you. We could have watched you open your presents. Seen you smile as you blew out the candles on your cake.
Recently, Coronation Street ran the heartbreaking story of Steve and Michelle suffering a late miscarriage and losing their baby. It is a devastating experience that I wouldn't wish upon anyone. Unsurprisingly, with it coming into the fore, emotions will be running high for anyone who has experienced any sort of miscarriage.
Well you never know what support, or lack of support, will be offered to you. You have no idea whether those around you will say helpful things or hurtful things, so as you are walking on this uncharted and terrifying path you are constantly waiting for a bomb to be detonated.
So those are my reasons. That is why I didn't tell anyone we had lost our first baby for quite some time, in fact it wasn't until we lost our third baby that we became much more open about our journey to have children.
Grief changes you. You can let it consume you or you can let it awash your world with positives. What do you choose? To remain