I believe as parents we are programmed to feel more guilt towards our children, it's important so we can love and raise our precious creations well. So, although it can be positive, the 'mum guilt' I have experienced in the past and still sometimes do now is RIDICULOUS.
It's a lot of things to miss about being with M all the time, and I guess it's a kind of grief that I'm experiencing. Mourning my maternity leave. But then, I'm so very grateful, that I have those things to miss. That I have been blessed with the opportunity to be a mummy, and to spend 9 blissful months with my girl.
My second baby reaches the 8-week mark this week and I can't believe how much faster it's gone this time round. Although I feel a bit guilty saying this, I'm enjoying having a baby so much more this time round.
I had gotten to the point where the only days I enjoyed, were the days my children were at nursery. On those days, I'd feel a prickle of dread about having to go and collect them at the end of the day. I'd scramble around on the other days in between, desperately trying to get my mum, my brother, my dad, anyone, to come over, so that I didn't have to be alone with them.
Yes it's great to have goals, aspirations, aims, to want be the best version of ourselves and even to keep improving but we have to cut ourselves some slack too. There has to be an off switch, moments where the 'conscience police' are off duty.
Thank you for knowing that, an hour after I walked away from him - as he cried and kicked and screamed his way through another defiant display on the other side of the window - his sobs still echoed in my head.
Being a parent isn't easy for anyone. Being a parent in our world - where you battle your way through some days (most likely sleep deprived), watching the most precious person go through some things that no child should go through - is bloody tough.
My husband told me the other day that's it's not my personality to get down on the floor and play with her but it suits him (so she wont be so deprived after all!). I think I'm more of a "teacher" than a "player", I really look forward to her reading, painting, cooking with me etc over the coming years.
I am talking about a minority of breastfeeding advocates here. Most of you lovely people do not do what I am about to talk about. And "lactivists" are super important. And all of you - including the ones I'm talking about here - are amazing people who are working hard for women and babies.
I am having a major insight this week. Here goes: Guilt = response to what one does. Shame = response to what one IS. Which one is at work for me, and for other breastfeeding mothers?