When you're openly polyamorous, you're so used to criticism that it starts to be rather trite and almost inevitable. But whilst hearing it from strangers doesn't hurt, hearing it from your new boyfriend's Mum might be a little more personal.
My new boyfriend wants a family. Never say never, but it probably won't be with me. Because you see, I already have a beautiful family with my [equally beautiful] core partner of 6 years.
Even if 'Unity, Justice and Freedom' is considered the unofficial national motto, that's not what springs to mind when foreigners think of Germany. You might think immediately of their incredible organization, their love of rules and beautifully shameless attitude to sex.
What if you could be openly welcomed with both your lovers at the local chemist... what if coming out as trans, queer or poly was simply one of many choices during adolescence... what if going to a dungeon to play kinky games on a Saturday night was as accepted as going out for a curry... What would the world look like?
Being pregnant and not sexually exclusive is the ultimate challenge to monogamous thinking. There are even expressions which belie our patriarchal history - 'She's carrying MY baby'. Pregnant women are 'holy vessels' not important in of themselves but as objects carrying the male seed; so much so that sex during pregnancy ~ even with the father ~ is taboo to many.
Is your relationship in danger of breaking up? Then your jealousy is shouting at you to 'wake the fuck up' and work on it. And if your relationship is fine (polyamorous or otherwise) it tells you that you have deeper rooted self-esteem issue.
To sugar-coat an unspoken truth: polyamory seeks to upend a many thousand-year-old narrative about ownership. We don't own our daughter's virginity. Husbands don't own their wives. Wives don't own their husbands.
Monogamy is designed to keep couples together by creating barriers of exit; socially; financially and psychologically. One cannot look at the divorce statistics to ascertain how successful it is; this only proves how many couples remain married. Not how many couples remain happily married...
As the seed of co-dependency is unhealed and 'impactful' childhood trauma, so in our fear ridden and controlling society the phenomenon of codependency is extremely common. Since codependency attracts codependency in every relationship.
So you've thought about it, and you think you might want to try an open relationship. An open relationship means more sex, right? Well, maybe. But not before you've done a lot of talking.
It's a fact. Whilst most humans might have an inclination to 'pair bond' many of us also have a roving eye. At a biological level our most successful survival tactic is not - as the church might tell you - remain faithful and worship a deity in the hope of salvation, it is to breed with many partners.
My friend said "My boyfriend doesn't want you to come over. He thinks you're a slut who's just going to jump into bed and have sex with us." I could only assume from this statement that he had mistaken the word 'polyamorist' for 'rapist'.
In trying to fit their round polyamorous selves into a monogamous square hole, they will ultimately fail and repeat a pattern of guilt and self loathing which contributes further to lower their self esteem. Their obvious failures and misery are compounded by the disgust of their peers, parents and often even their friends.
In fact the most successful relationships are those where we can respect and love one another as we truly are. That means loving enough to allow each other to explore the fulfillment of our fundamental needs. It is the ultimate and only way to truly love...
We're talking about plural relationships. It's an act, preference and/or inclination that our society usually doesn't talk about and most of the time condemns outright as 'adulterous'. It's a choice that polarizes and has been described as shameful, abusive and downright disgusting.
In the LGBT community, the sense of change is strong because the dynamics of two people of the same gender trying to have a relationship are inevitably going to be different, and there is, therefore, not real expectation or tradition for homosexual relationships.
The old saying goes that the Devil finds work for idle hands, but he also seems to run an interesting sideline in spicing up long, boring afternoons.