27/07/2012 08:01 BST | Updated 25/09/2012 06:12 BST

Movie-Going in America

Surely, the safest option is to trust no-one, right from the moment you enter the lobby. Or indeed, before. So, a few simple rules to maximise the satisfaction of your American cinema-going experience.

What appals me almost as much as the one-off freak tragic event of the Aurora shooting itself is the callous opportunism of liberals and "Gun Control vultures" who are already "circling the victims of Aurora" (quotations from the Rocky Mountain Gun Owners) trying to exploit the tragedy of this one-off freak tragic event to introduce stricter gun control, which they cynically do each and every time one of these freak one-off tragic events occurs.

Firearms sales in Colorado have gone up 43% since the shooting.

There are three possible reasons for this.

One; sheer coincidence.

Two, people fear stricter gun control and want to make sure they have stockpiled sufficiently large domestic arsenals before any new limitations are enforced. All too possible; as we know the NRA is a notoriously inefficient lobbying group with virtually no influence. In the 1990s it failed for example, to overturn the Clinton Administration's blanket ban on the use of Cobra attack helicopters in any form of deer-hunting. Significantly, successive administrations refuse point blank to publish statistics documenting the suspected huge subsequent rise in deer-perpetrated mass-killings, armed robberies and gang rapes across at least 37 states. These documents, incidentally are believed to be kept in the same vault as President Obama's original Klingon birth certificate.

Or, three; people in Colorado just feel safer if they are armed when they go the cinema.

The big question must be, when do you start firing? Surely, if you wait until some deranged homicidal maniac is actually strafing the audience, you might be at a severe disadvantage. Or indeed, dead. And with the knowledge that 43% more of the people in that cinema are carrying weapons, you need to be alert at all times.

Is that a wannabe mass-murderer acting suspiciously, or just an ordinary law-abiding citizen who is tooled up for the first time and understandably a bit nervous. How can you be sure that the young lady two rows in front has her safety-catch correctly attached? Why does she keep looking round in that tense, edgy way? Is she scanning the crowd for potential assailants, or picking out her first victims? Or is it because her date has not come back from the restroom yet? If so, why is he taking so long? Do you have time to reach her, immobilise her and ask her these legitimate questions before she shoots you in self-defence? Would someone else mistakenly shoot you in her defence as you make your legitimate precautionary move?

Surely, the safest option is to trust no-one, right from the moment you enter the lobby. Or indeed, before. So, a few simple rules to maximise the satisfaction of your American cinema-going experience.

Car-pool in groups of at least four. As your vehicle approaches the LZ (Landing Zone, or Parking Lot), front passenger throws smoke grenade out the window. Rear passengers roll out of the door while the car is still moving at low speed and secure the LZ. Car enters smoke cloud, parks up, remaining occupants exit, take firing positions and cover the advance of first two passengers to movie theatre entrance. In turn, they now adopt firing positions and cover the advance of the others. Once regrouped by the doors, enter the lobby on the team leader's signal, shouting the command, "Everybody lie on the ground," firing warning shots only to non-compliants. (Initially.)

Having thus secured safe entrance and passage to the cashier's desk, one member of the party will approach the cashier, point handgun at their head (with maximum courtesy), and say: "Four tickets to The Lorax please!" Once ticket-purchase is complete, purchaser shouts to group: "Lorax tickets purchased!" and the group advances towards concession stands, with the designated Popcorn Buyer leading. (Note, if clerk at concession stand has complied with earlier "Everybody lie on the ground" order, politely instruct them that they may stand, but to keep their hands where you can see them at all times.) Be aware - after purchasing popcorn, Popcorn Carrier will not be able to operate weapon at this point and your firepower is reduced by 25%. So you must now enter the cinema itself at maximum speed. First, grasp door-attendant in appropriate restraining hold, and throw stun-grenade into theatre to immobilise any potential maniac already in position, or indeed, ordinary-law abiding citizens within who have set up fields of fire on the entrance and may be less experienced, more jumpy and trigger-happy than your own seasoned team of responsible movie-goers. They will be understanding of the momentary inconvenience caused by your good-citizenship once they come round. Stun-grenades can cause bleeding from the ears, so ensure all units contain one qualified para-medic. Children may cry, so if possible, carry with you comfort blanket or a favourite toy, ideally in a flame-proof rucksack. Eat popcorn in turns, while others scan auditorium for unusual movement. While the movie itself is running, do not make the potentially fatal mistake of concentrating your attention on the screen for long periods.

Remember on a busy night, up to one thousand movie-goers maybe attempting to access the theatre at one time, which means up to 250 groups may be adopting the same sensible tactics to reach their seats safely. So be considerate and patient and please allow everyone to conduct their pre-movie operations in turn and in an orderly manner. And remember, if you see anyone acting suspiciously, you have every to protect yourself.

Enjoy your evening.