The Blog

Wardrobe Malfuction: Define

I think we all suspect, WM's are not accidental. In fact, if I was an insurer I would look at such an accident and think; Was this avoidable? Was a third party involved? Should they lose their no claims bonus? Are they entitled to a courtesy car?

So, Iggy Azalea, you know, that rapper lady from Mullumbimby, Australia, was falsely accused of having a Wardrobe Malfunction at the MTV EMA's where she absolutely did not mean to flash her front bottom. She was in fact, if you look closely enough, as I'm sure many of you have, wearing flesh-coloured pants - this colour being the choice du jour, be it in rubber or other materials, apparently. Iggy could have gone the other way and worn unmissable-from-space pants like Ellie Goulding, a recent nip-slip victim. Then there would have been no question of "is she, isn't she" - more like "bloody hell, they're really big pants and no mistake."

I mean, everywhere you look at the moment there are WM's. There was a positive stampede of camel toes, with Miley (gotta get me a mention, darn it) Cyrus at the front of the herd at the MTV EMA's. WAG, Lizzie Cundy had a Downton Abbey incident ie upstairs and downstairs simultaneously. However, Lady Gaga's recent Wardrobe Malfunction appears to be that she accidently wore clothes.

To clarify its meaning at this point, a Wardrobe Malfunction means "the accidental exposure of intimate parts." It does not in any way mean exhibitionism, attention seeking or flashing ( imprisonable for up to two years).

I think we all suspect, WM's are not accidental. In fact, if I was an insurer I would look at such an accident and think; Was this avoidable? Was a third party involved? Should they lose their no claims bonus? Are they entitled to a courtesy car?

In the celebrity world, mostly female, I'm sorry to say, nip slips, fanny flashes and general non performance of fabric are all considered to be necessary career enhancers. After an escaping boob incident, for example, the celebrity (female) can take to Twitter and fret to her fans or anyone who may have missed the faux pas (but can now go and look it up). She tweets: -

1. How little I care!

2. How much I care!

3. How pleasant the breeze felt etc.

The responses are: -

1. What a lady of questionable morals you are!

2. You go, Girl!

3. But you did look chilly.

However, imagine this happened to you. You're going to a do you've been looking forward to for ages because you never get a chance to dress up. You've spent loads of money on a new dress - yeah, it's a bit low cut but you can carry it off, according to the lovely yet forceful sales lady in the posh shop. You can't find a bra amongst your battalion that doesn't show, so against your better judgment and after a few glasses of Pinot, you decide not to wear one. It's the only way you can wear this dress. You are a bit self-conscious but if you breathe shallowly your boobs will hunker down and behave. This does make you feel a bit dizzy though.

You walk into the venue and someone takes your coat. You do a quick look down to your chest to check that all is present and correct. You are told by many people that you look stunning. You start to feel more confident and then you spot that great contact you've been meaning to talk to for a while. You seize the opportunity. You grab a glass of champagne and introduce yourself. Great Contact and Partner respond positively. You sip the champagne. A bubble goes up your nose. You sneeze.

You know its happened. They know its happened. Do you:-

a) Give the champagne glass to one of them while you tuck it back in, it's a two hander

b) Whilst continuing the conversation about your wish to grow your assets, you breathe in deeply so it falls back in by itself but your eyes are opening very wide and your voice is getting higher and more strained

c) Pretend the sneeze was the first of many and wave yourself off to loo, fake sneezing

d) Ignore it and try to maintain eye contact with both of them at the same time without looking manic

e) Think "Here's a stroke of luck - I'm going to exploit this situation and get me some more business."

Let's face it, a to d are all possible, but e must never be for you. E is for those in entertainment or for those with a gross error of judgement.

However you deal with it, you can't go on Twitter to explain yourself. You can't post a photo on Facebook inviting comments and opinion. You don't know these people well enough to judge their response and you don't know how many people they will tell.

Whilst so many trends from the celebrity world seem to filter down to the masses, this can never be one of them. Yes, we can dip dye our hair and buy big handbags and even go on holiday to Cabo, but we can never expect a Wardrobe Malfunction as a means to further our careers - unless, of course, you're after a front cover on Nuts.

So, the moral of the story is, you are not tomorrow's chip paper. You cannot reinvent yourself a la Madonna unless you move to a different country - all a bit drastic just because you chose to go braless. But more importantly and lightly dusting the surface of the raging debate about general female exposure, no one should have to even risk a WM to get ahead.

Stop! Think! Wardrobe Malfunction can ruin (ordinary) lives.