31/07/2013 10:05 BST | Updated 25/09/2013 06:12 BST

Ban Feminism and Save Yourselves

Good lord so I see this is happening...

I was hoping that it was just more nonsense ranting from the left winged BBC but no.

I'm sad to report dear friends, it's all true.

Jane Austen writer of books and adaptor of Pride and Prejudice for those BBC "people", is I see, going to be added to the ten pound note.

Apart from the chocolate maker Elizabeth Fry and of course Her Majesty, this is the first time one of us girls has appeared on the currency of our glittering isle.

It's not happening until 2017 and I for am very glad of that and I'll tell you for why.

I'll need that long to get used to it.

Once again I find myself in the position of being forced to comment on public events, as the go to girl for sense and reason. This is why I've been catapulted unwillingly into the spotlight of public discourse; also I'm paying my PR company an obscene amount of money to boost my profile.

So this leads me back to my point. Feminists are EVIL.

They will no doubt swoop down and wave their hairy armpits at me but girls you must cease and desist. No one will want to marry you, if you don't calm down dears.

Emancipation? I think you mean EMASCULATION girls.

Jane Austen has I'm sure many fine attributes but was she, I ask you now, a wife and a mother? No she was not. She was sadly, a career girl and as a well known celebrity upholder of family values I must tentatively raise a hand (unless there is a man being silenced by my answering the question. Feminist girls would do well to heed that basic courtesy)

This is why I offer my new course of intensive caring (and reasonably priced) Feminism aversion therapy. "Two steps behind"

Mainly because the many men I talk to in the course of my philanthropy tell me often of their heartbreaking challenges at the hands of the ladies in their lives.

Here are some of their complaints

Brian from Maidenhead writes "Dear Mrs Mountable how do I get my wife to shut up moaning all of the time and concentrate on getting a hot dinner on the table of an evening. I'm just sick of her excuses and very stressed as I'm between jobs currently. She works full time whilst looking after our 4 children and my elderly mother. I feel ignored. Is she just lazy?"

Paul from Plymouth writes, "Dear Mrs Mountable after my mother in law bought my wife "How to be a woman" by Caitlin Moran (ringleader of feminist cult) I keep finding them huddled in the kitchen laughing. Now she's answering back all the time. Please help"

Neil from Inverness writes, "How big are your tits"

As you can see modern boys are finding all this rampant feminism troubling and concerning.

Modern girls have lost the ability to realise that men are always right and this is I'm sure the reason that divorces are at an all time high. Between that and flagrant disregard of basics such as looking pretty, staying thin and neglecting the housework and hubbies bedtime requirements, whilst bragging about how unkempt their front bottoms are; girls are losing sight of their place and role in society.

Which is of course three steps behind.

Lovely Dave had it right Britain is Broken. Shrill and vocal girls demanding "rights" and "equality" have smashed our glorious realm to smithereens. Thereby utterly robbing men of their rights and supremacy. Its just beyond, I tell you, beyond.

It must stop.

Anyway I must get on. Dear wayward Piers has been in touch to ask me to to hunt out his passport, for a porn fact finding mission abroad with his assistant and husband purloining Whore of Babylon, Kathleen. Dear man, can't quite let me go.

I know I will triumph in the end dears.

Your friend Mrs M. x