30/01/2012 09:09 GMT | Updated 31/03/2012 06:12 BST

Tales From the Middle of Nowhere (Vol.2) - Australia Day and the Prime Minister's Missing Shoe

28/01/12: Melbourne


So, been out of the game for a couple of days, AGAIN!

Here goes... What day is it today? Friday? Saturday? Fuck knows.

The last time we spoke I was in Sydney, right? Just getting ready for the Big Day Out?

Well... Woke up that morning and guess what? That's right, it was pissing down... I mean what IS the point of Australia while it's raining? There is no point. I'm staggered by the weather. "Oh, fuck off" to the sky, said I.

'Twas a big day for the Aussies. Australia Day. It's a day where they celebrate all things Australian... Whatever that means. Still part of the blimmin' Empire, if you ask me, innit? Sydney Harbour was full of boats and ships. Spectacular. There was cannons going off and even a fly past by the Aussie air force (mate!)... IN THE RAIN!!!

There was a bit of a scene with the Aussie PM (some ginger Sheila). She got a bit roughed up by some protesters and had to be bundled into a car that looked like a taxi. Thing is, she lost one of her shoes! Like Cinderella! The news went in heavy on the protesters... (What a scandal... No... Not sandal... They didn't make it clear what style of shoe it was!!!)

By the time I got down to the festival site to continue my battle of wits with the Aussie media (mate), Kasabian had been and gone! Heard they were good though.

My gig was really bloody good (mate). Had a pair of ladies knickers thrown on stage and a top hat! I do hope they came from the same person...

Legged it early the next day and arrived here in Melbourne (mate). And guess what? No... you're wrong see, because it's bloody boiling (mate). Yes sir! The sun has got his hat on, and it's got little corks dangling round the rim!!!

They still have that Jerry Springer on TV down here. Forgot how psychedelic that programme is. There was a threesome on it called... "Sha-toya" and "Jo-neesa" and a guy whose name was Country. Mega. I laughed until it wasn't funny anymore.

So then I stopped and turned on the news. Turns out the big story building was about "the shoe."

"Where is the PM's shoe?" They asked.

"Who's got the shoe?" They pleaded.

"We must find the shoe."

Had a bit of a mooch around and about (didn't find the shoe). Not much going on here, but by the time I got back to the hotel, THE SHOE HAD BEEN FOUND!!!

There was a brilliant Monty Python-esque moment were they went live to the actual shoe being handed over to the authorities by what looked like a protester...

"There you go Cinders, you shall go to the ball", I thought.

Except she didn't. She went to the tennis. To see Andy Murray lose... AGAIN!!!



PS: Dunno what all the fuss was about. The shoe was bobbins. A black suede wedge? Not this season... (mate).

Noel's tour diary is published in full at

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