10/07/2012 13:59 BST | Updated 09/09/2012 06:12 BST

Tales From the Middle of Nowhere (Vol. 2): Where I Go Jazz

Comrades... this will be a long one.

So, the last time we spoke was when? Two weeks ago? Must have been? Was it? Hang on... let me check... that's right... it was the night before the festival in Belgium. Okay... right I'll get my thinking cap on and give you the low-down (as best I can anyway!).

So... I remember the festival being quite a big one. Massive crowd. Big guns headlining. Think it was them Red Hot Chilli Peppers on my night (yes it was!). The show itself was okay. Not bad. It certainly broke the run of amazing shows that's for sure. The best thing about it was I was introduced onstage by Vincent Kompany, Manchester City's captain. He's from Brussels see? And me and him were going to do the launch of the new Manchester City kits for next season. Both of these occurrences were a true honour. Vinnie's a top boy. Might actually be the coolest lad on the planet. We hung out after the show and watched the Euro Championship final. Happy days!!

The next day I had to be up early to do the football kit thing. Hadn't actually gone to bed 'til 4am so I wasn't feeling (or looking!) the best. Vinnie on the other hand had managed an early night and turned up looking like the super-cool, well oiled athlete he is. I on the other hand stunk of cigs and alcohol looking every bit like the 45-year-old father of three that I am. Not good. Not good at all. In all my time in this game that might have been the single most difficult thing I've ever had to do.

At one point I think I was sweating pure alcohol. Imagine doing that while one of your heroes looks down on you and asks if you're alright, while a photographer snaps away asking you if "you could just get a bit closer?" Did it though and the kit looks the bollocks.

So, after that I remember we flew to Montreux in Switzerland for a show at the "Montreux Jazz Festival"!! That's right, you heard... "the Montreux JAZZ Festival". Not sure what I was doing there but a gig's a gig and what a gig!! A right good laugh and all. And I got presented (on stage which was a bit weird) with a very expensive watch by the founder of the festival Mr. Claude Nobs (pronounced CLOUD NEBZ). Worth €3000!! Or so he informed the audience anyway. Thanks very much Mr.Nobs... just what I've always wanted... my very own jazz watch!!

So after that we drove overnight to Milan. I love Milan and Italy in general. Weather was mad hot. Must've been nearly 100 onstage!! Not as hot as Coachella but proper sizzling all the same. Show was alright. Nothing more, nothing less. I remember being taken out for dinner after to some swanky footballery type gaff. Very nice it was too... Beckham used to go there I'm told.

So... after that would have been T in the Park? Yes, I think so!! Horrific weather. Dark black clouds. Torrential rain, rain, rain. Mud every-fucking-where. Horrible... and that was just BACKSTAGE!!! Lord only knows what it was like out front? Still (and this is truly amazing) it never spoiled the atmosphere. The crowd up there are something else. Unbelievable behaviour. Well done!

We had a great show bar a couple of hiccups here and there but we smashed it!! We were on before the Stone Roses. It was great to see them AND to see them enjoying themselves. A great night all round.

After that we flew to Birmingham to do a little acoustic gig for that radio station Kerrang!! That's right, you heard. A heavy metal radio station. Don't ask... I didn't. It was good though.

So... after that we flew here to the south of France. Fucking plane was full of young people (off on their holidays one would imagine). Giggling girls and boys with sideways haircuts and girls jeans on... that's what it looked like to me anyway.

I think that's about it. Got a festival tonight. A big one... it must be big 'cause the mighty Franz Ferdinand are headlining!! What was that?? Of course they're still going!!!!