07/01/2016 09:52 GMT | Updated 06/01/2017 05:12 GMT

Pranksters Give Me Sleepless Nights

I did my first prank the other day. I stole my colleagues advent calendar and set up a game which ended with me jumping up and down on it in front of him. I spent a month preparing and manipulating his mind to make the experience fairly traumatic. I appreciate this makes me look like a bit of a dick but if it's any consolation, the never ending state of paranoia I'm experiencing due to the threat of retaliation is probably sufficient punishment.

I actually think pranks are quite a lame form of entertainment. There are a few internet stars whom I loath for their apparent success (via click of likes) for doing something as shitty as sticking a chilli pepper up their brother's arse whilst he sleeps. JUST BECAUSE HE'S YOUR BROTHER DOESNT MEAN HE SHOULDN'T PRESS CHARGES. Weird example but there's being clever and then there's being cruel.

Don't even get me started on those that enforce their idea of comedy on the general public. The charm of life in the UK is that you can choose to participate and if you don't like something you can just turn it off/change channel/walk away. However a gyrating man in speedos putting his arm around me whilst I self-scan a packet of vegetarian scotch eggs is something which wakes me up in cold sweats each night but it is happening up and down the country. I've seen the videos and from that I can conclude that most people freeze in fear. They are forced to participate.

Why is this happening? I understand that comedy is subjective and that something I don't find funny could actually be found funny by 95% of the population but maybe too much freedom is a thing. I'm one of the most liberal people I know but watching these videos makes me feel like gluing down a candy floss thin hairpiece and scolding an entire generation with my index finger outstretched as any fine Donald Trump enthusiast would. The newspapers that are reporting these antics give them a cute nickname too. 'Pranksters', like society is ruffling their hair and telling them to get back to school. The phrase excluding them from any sort of criminal background check never mind the fact most of these 'pranksters' are in their early 20s.

As much as I do really hate the idea of having to endure this sort of experience, I'm conscious that freedom of expression is something I'd protect with my life if I had to and unfortunately, this falls into that category (sigh). If I am allowed to walk down the street holding my girlfriends hand and make some people uncomfortable because the law protects my rights, the young men gyrating their junk for attention in supermarkets and on the internet should be allowed to make people like me feel uncomfortable too. I should challenge myself to understand why I'm uncomfortable and understand that it is my own insecurities, not theirs. Maybe I should give it a go, maybe I'll realise I'm missing something seriously cool?

Okay probably not. I support your right to be a tool bag but let it be known I will be prepared to defend myself if the situation should arise.